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| As beautiful as she is, is she worth it? |
Ignore the statement above for several minutes. I'll get to it soon. After reading both the men and
women's version of why dating can be frustrating, I realize this is a perfect example
of an unfortunate irony in life. In the example of the double bind women and
men have to deal with in regards to dating, society preaches morals that
conflict with our biological desires. We can blame society, but if we really
look at it, this quandary cannot be avoided. When two people are in a
relationship, and one side is having an affair, loyalty is lost. This is a
taboo because the loyal party would feel hurt and since people are more likely
to identify with feelings of hurt, the majority of people would begin to shame
and look down on the betrayer. The question is, if the human race got a do
over, is it possible polygamy could be the norm? Is it our feelings of being
hurt and betrayal that molds society to look down on cheaters and influence
monogamy to be the norm?
What about other animals? From a bit
of research of the sex lives of chimpanzees according to Wikipedia: "Each
female copulates with many males, and vice versa". Other websites confirm
the accuracy of this statement. Chimps are polygamous and although unknown to
what degree, primates have been found to have moral conscience. Need proof? Take
a look at this experiment:
Morals are formed from an ability to
feel empathy. It might be possible that primates and many animals can
experience emotions to the degree we do. If chimpanzees have morals, why can
chimps live a polygamous life and yet not experience feelings of betrayal
associated with having more than one sexual partner as we humans would? As funny
as it may be to imagine, picture a human civilization as a group of 10 people
total- 5 men and 5 women. Each one of us males gets to mate with any of the females
we choose with. Would I still feel betrayed if my friend had sex with the same
girl as well? Initially I would feel a hint of betrayal, but the more I think
about it, the more I feel alright with this notion. When we all have the sexual
freedom to choose our mates in our small 10 people “community”, loyalty has not
been broken. Disloyalty in this scenario would have nothing to do with mating
choices. But if one of the individual that was in our group of ten decided to
leave to join another human civilization to meet their sexual desires, then the
feeling of disloyalty manifests. It’s the same with human beings in our
society. It’s the idea of our partner having sex with someone outside our group,
which is considered disloyal. What is this group for humans in our society and
where does it come from?
The answer is marriage. If you ask
many women, they will tell you that marriage is a magical moment where two
people come together to be one and to love each other for the rest of their
lives. Marriage consists of two people. The idea of marriage- which was based
on the idea that women needed someone to take care of them back in the day
because women did not have equal rights as men and therefore needed protection-
created the “group” consisting of only two people: one man, one woman. Same
with the example from above, when one side looks outside the “group” to meet
his or her sexual desires, betrayal and disloyalty is manifested. Feelings of
betrayal from a monogamous relationship stems from the idea of marriage. Can
marriage work if it’s legally defined as the union of one man and multiple
women? After all, woman needed protection back in the day so wouldn’t a man who
was taking care of more than one woman be looked upon favorably? Wouldn’t he be
perceived as an honorable man who wants to take care of more than one woman for
the rest of his life?
In our time, sex is considered a
physically intimate act only done with someone of the opposite sex that you
love. Our society views sex as equivalent to love. It is taboo to sleep around.
However, when it comes to biological and evolutionary terms, sex has nothing to
do with love at all. Men desire attractive beautiful women. Women desire a man
who is dominant and can make her feel passionate emotions- emotions that a bad
boy can make her feel to the point where she is willing to put up with the
abusive aspects. Neither of these things have anything to do with love. One
might be able to say, the woman is in love with the bad boy’s characteristics,
but not love in terms of heartfelt genuine care and connection. This is also comparable to the idea that a
man might love a woman because of the amount of physical and sexual
satisfaction that he gets from her. But again, it’s still not love from genuine
care and emotional connection. Remember that this is my definition of true
love, but as stated in the, “Why Women Can’t Find a Good Man” article, there
are two other types of love: lust and attraction- although I’d argue that lust
and attraction are two sides of the same coin. But aside from the different
types of love, marriage created the feelings of betrayal and disloyalty that
stems from having more than one sexual partner. Nowadays, people are used to the
idea of having only one sexual partner. These conditioned, negative feelings
associated with sleeping around make it all the more difficult for our society
to view polygamy as a possible norm. Polygamy is in our nature, and there are
no inherited feelings of disloyalty associated with it. Hundreds of years of
monogamous marriages have forced us to shun polygamy and not question the status
quo. Past civilizations have experimented with polygamy. The holy Roman Emperor,
Charlemagne, outlawed polygamy in 800 A.D., possibly for good reason as
polygamy does not promote the adequate care of children’s needs. Seems like
polygamy and monogamy are both problematic in society.
The more people there are, the more
unlikely there will be true equality for all. Let’s take that same hypothetical scenario
of our 10 person civilization. If only two of the five men get to mate,
feelings of jealousy and resentment will fester. This is the way our society
is. The majority of us won’t be able to have sex with that attractive girl we
desire. Crimes such as murder are committed out of feelings of unfairness,
jealousy, and anger. We are inherently flawed. If it’s not feelings of betrayal
and disloyalty we feel from cheating partners, it’s unfairness and jealousy we
will feel- both of these emotions manifesting as anger. Not everyone can win. Not
everyone will be happy. It is because of our desire for sex and lust that
feelings of negativity manifest. Even feelings of ego, pride, greed, and dominance
that males work so hard subconsciously and consciously for are for sex. Bullies
tease others for dominance. Men workout just to flock their “feathers”. Just
how many men out there actually work out for their health? Men will risk their
lives and health to fight other people over arguments just to protect their egos.
All the things we do, all just for the opposite sex. We will tease others and
put others down just to display our dominance for the opportunity for sex. We hurt
others for sex. If we had no urge to have sex, would we still care about
status? Would we care about being part of the cool kids in high school? No. We
would not. All the battles fought for glory or power would not have happened. Without
the desire for sex, we wouldn’t have overpopulation in the world. Without overpopulation, there would be no battles fought over for limited resources. Of course
life would not continue if no one ever had sex, but if humans were only
programmed to desire sex for a few short years in our lives, life would still
continue and there would be peace in the world. As ludicrous as it may sound,
our lives and society may be much better off if we weren’t so concerned with having
sex. Unfortunately, this will never happen. There will never be peace in the world,
because there will always be unfairness. Even in societies where fairness seems
to be prevalent, men’s desire for power, greed, and status- a byproduct of lust- will eventually
end peace.
It’s not just sex. It’s true with
the vast majority of things that gives us pleasure. The tasty foods we eat harm
our bodies. The things we find exciting can potentially cause us injury or
harm. Rock climbing and going on adventures- as exciting as it may seem, there
is danger involved. Sex sustains our human lineage and pleasure makes us feel
good. But our insatiable appetite for sex and pursuit of pleasure also contributes to our unhappiness individually and our
doom as a society in the future. The human race has and will continue to cause pain to each other to fulfill our needs for power, vanity, glory, and in the foreseeable future: basic survival needs of food, water, energy, and land.
Writing this has almost made me feel
like a life of celibacy is worth living. Knowing this, I still want to
experience sex. So the solution for men from the double-bind? Become a man who
is a master communicator, a man who can communicate feelings and stir up
passionate emotions without having the abusive aspects of bad boys. It’s way
easier said than done, I know. There are quite a few dating gurus out there who
teach how to be this new modern world alpha-man. David Wygant and Carlos Xuma
are two guys I have studied from and admire their abilities to connect with and
talk with women and people in general. These two guys are not pick-up artists.
They teach you how to genuinely meet and connect with those people you want to
talk to and get to know better. And the solution for women? Take the initiative
to walking up and starting a conversation with a guy you find attractive.
Sooner or later, you will find one of these modern-day aspiring alpha men who
can closely match your idea of your prince. In this day and age, women should
learn to take the initiative to talk to guys they are attracted to as well.
After all, if women want better dating relationships with men, shouldn’t they
take more initiative for their own lives as well as the men?
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