Read this first:
My own practice scenarios when it comes to conversational
aikido:
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Him: “You’re gay!”
You: “Okay, and you’re an _____” (any of these can work:
iguana, mouse, monkey, rabbit, squirrel, flying spaghetti monster, cucumber,
alien) ß
he jokes with you, you joke back. If he tries to fire back with either option
two or three below, you expose his game.
(Option 1) Him: “Huh?”
(Option 2) Him: "Yeah,
dude, but you're still gay..." (Trying desperately to get a laugh so that
he doesn't feel his value lowered. He looks insecurely at his buddies
one-by-one to see if they are still responding. Pitiful.)
(Option 3) Him: “Yeah? Well you’re a _______. (Any
derogatory name)”
You: “You know what? I see what you are doing here. You are
trying to get a laugh at my expense. You keep doing that. You’ll eventually
find someone who is impressed with your immature comments. You keep doing that.
I’ll be elsewhere. Later, dude.”
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Example from:
My Practice Responses:
Him: “You’re doing well little buddy, why don’t you go be a
sport and get me and this lovely girl a drink?”
Strategy: Identify his underlying emotion that motivates him
to try and intercept your date and call him on that. In this case: jealousy
(Option 1) You: “Wow, that’s clever man! You are a clever
guy! Trying to catch me off guard with such an underhanded question! You keep
doing that man, it’ll work…uh…eventually. We’ll be elsewhere now. Bye.”
(Option 2) You: “That’s the best you can do? Look man, I
know you may be a bit jealous of us here but you seem like a decently nice guy!
Aren’t there any other women who may be interested in you?”
(Option 3) You: “Look man, I know you may be a little
jealous about us since we are having a great time here but I’m sure you
wouldn’t appreciate being interrupted during a date either. Give us that common
respect please and carry on with your day.”
(Option 4) You: “You
want to buy both of us a drink? That’s great man! I can’t thank you enough!”
Main strategy: Do not react. Maintain a rational calmness, deflect
and redirect his comment by bantering back if you can (avoid back and forth
banter though as that would get you caught up in the game of being Mr. On the
Spot Witty Guy), and call him out and expose the game he is playing to destroy
his ability to make you look bad.
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In this next case, this guy is a guy I know and play
football with who every once in a while makes some cocky comments although it
is unjustifiably so. I am after all, a taller, stronger, better conditioned,
and faster athlete with more skills and confidence than him when it comes to
basketball and football.
Him: “Look man, why don’t you guys punt the football? You
guys aren’t going to make it.” (Relatively close to the end zone, on the last
down)
You (Option 1): “Is that your only means to try and stop me
since you know I’m bigger, stronger, faster, and a better conditioned athlete?”
You (Option 2):“Wow, am I really that unstoppable that you
feel the need to make arrogant comments to try to stop me?”
You (Option 3): “Is that comment born out of ignorance,
stupidity, or both?”
Now assuming the individual is similarly matched and makes
that comment:
Strategy: Jokingly give in and blow it to an extreme.
You: “Yeah man, I’ll probably trip and fall and step on your
face while I’m at it dude. So you better watch it.” (Eye roll)
If I wanted to expose his game: ask yourself, what
underlying emotion motivated him to make that comment? In this case, if he is
equally matched, it’s likely he has an ignorant and arrogant attitude towards
others in general.
You: “Look dude, you may be a good player but someone needs
to teach you some humility. You may be able to get away with it with others but
not with me. So save your cocky comments for someone who is impressed with your
pompous and belittling crap because I most certainly, am not.” (Walk away)
Him: “That sounds rehearsed and inauthentic.”
You: “You’re right! But that doesn’t distract me from the
fact that you are a cocky individual and I do not stand for that.”
Him: “I don’t care what you stand for!” (rude and
disrespectful)
You: “I certainly hope you do not believe that. For you
would be an individual lacking in morals.”
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Situation: A guy I know (who I’m not terribly fond of and
who comes talk to me regularly when I’m in the gym) is sitting with two friends
of mine and a girl at a table in the conversational area studying. I’ve been
talking with my two friends and having a good time. The conversation with my
two friends isn’t over, and he quickly and abruptly looks up from his table and
says:
Him: “Can you go away?”
Strategy: You call him out on his underlying reason and
motivation.
You: “I’ll go away if you really need to study but there’s
no need to be rude about it. Btw, are you saying that more out of motivation to
study? Or to seem more alpha for that girl sitting there?”
Knowing him, his most likely response is to just quickly
say, “No!” But let’s say he doesn’t. How would you handle this scenario?
Him: “WTF, Are you trying to embarrass me?” (Situation
Escalating; Need to Deescalate)
A response like, “Well, tell me, were you rude to me because
you really felt the need to focus?”, will only escalate the situation. This is
a defensive response that the person attacked won’t want to hear. These are the
four steps to deescalate the situation:
1.
Hold your ground and breathe deeply.
2.
Break their pattern if they are screaming and
out of control by repeating their name.
3.
Paraphrase to show empathy as discussed below in
the youtube video of Verbal Judo: Diffusing Conflict with Conversation
4.
Focus on a Solution, close, and maintain peace
Appropriate response to deescalate:
You: “(His Name), look, I hear that you’re angry. I got
that. And let me see if I’ve understood you here. You’re feeling angry because
you feel like I put you down in front of your peers on purpose. Is that true?”
Let him modify the feelings or reasons.
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Situation: This was back in senior year of high school where
a junior in my Calculus AB class made a huge scene about me not knowing how to
play Texas Hold’ Em near the end of the year.
Him: “You don’t know how to play Texas Hold’ Em?!” OR “What
have you been living underneath a rock?!”
I didn’t know how to respond. This is how I should have
responded:
(Option 1) You: “Look, this is something that most people
know how to do, while I don’t, so I’m sure you can understand why I don’t
appreciate you making a scene out of it.” (Calmly)
(Option 2) You: “Why do you feel the need to attack me to
make yourself seem better?”
Him: “I’m not attacking you! I’m just shocked that you do
not know how to play?!” Go to the condescending apology game slightly below.
(Continued from Option 1) If he continuous:
Him: “Wow, I just cannot believe it though man!”
This is another game Carlos Xuma talks about in his Power
Social Skills Program. It’s the Condescending Apology Game. They are trying to
defend and justify themselves. They are hoping they are going to slip that dig/
slight insult by. You need to make them clarify their point.
You: “I’m sorry, that doesn’t really sound like an apology.”
OR “I’m sorry, were you apologizing there? You didn’t really say you were sorry
and were implying that it was still somehow my fault? I don’t understand. Is it
my fault? Or what are you trying to say?”
Get them to clarify on what they are saying.
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Another Strategy: get them to clarify what they mean.
Ex: I was working out at the NW YMCA when a trainer that
talk to with made a comment that seemed to be an unfriendly attack but at the same time, I did not know what he meant.
He was walking with a friend of his when he walked past me next to the cable
flys machine and said:
Him: “This guy is such a tool”
This is how I responded:
You: “What does that even mean? What does that even mean?” I
proceeded to ask his friend: “What do you think that even means?” His friend
did not want to get involved and smartly said, “I’m staying out of this”, in a
non-hostile tone of voice.
I then proceeded to respond:
You: “Oh well, an effective tool if anything.” (In a
nonchalant manner while turning around and walked away)
I hindsight, I think
I handled the situation decently. He didn’t get away with making that comment
as I confronted him on what he meant and he decided not to clarify what he
meant- hence him backing off.
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