Dynamics of a Conversation Between My Brother and I

This post was typed up Wednesday; August 12, 2012:

Things I noticed regarding the dynamics of my conversation with my brother while we were walking Lucky:

-          To become more talkative, start saying what’s on your mind. Get into a roll to start saying the thought out loud as soon as it registers in your mind. Say it no matter whether it seems trivial or not. If you worry what you say may seem stupid, ask yourself if you really think what the majority of other people are saying is insightful either. The answer is most damn likely, NO. Even David Wygant has mentioned in his email newsletter that many times, his clients are surprised at the fact that the things he mentions to start conversations are simple and obvious. They aren’t something that is insightful or super-duper impressive. Being able to say a simple observation and starting the conversation in itself is already impressive. No need to impress the girl with some seemingly smooth pick-up line. I also notice that there are times, if I think about several thoughts that lead one to another in a sequence and I don’t say it out loud or write it down, I may lose the exact train of thought that led me to a certain conclusion.

 This is from David Wygant’s email newsletter:

“It's funny how many men love to over complicate things in life.

Think about these scenarios...

 When you get a brand new gas grill and you're going to put it together, do you read the directions or do you just try and figure it out on your own?

Or...

 When you go and buy a brand new big screen TV, do you just figure out what plugs into what or do you do it by the book?

Or...

 When you go and get a brand new car, do you EVER crack open the owner's manual?

Let me take a wild guess -- Never, right?

 Why then, do so many men think that women should come with a manual?

 Let me tell you something:

When you first talk to a woman, it doesn't have to be so complicated.

It really doesn't!

 The obvious things are the best things because it means that you are paying attention to the little things.

 If you think about what past girlfriends and other women have said - it's all about the little things.

 All the little things make life so much better.

 If you pay attention to the little things, women will feel like you've actually connected with them.

 They'll think, "Wow! This guy actually paid attention! He was actually present. He wasn't just trying to pick me up with some type of ridiculous routine."

 It's the obvious things.

 You need to start thinking and picking up on everything that is obvious.

 If you don't, you're just going to be looking at a barbeque gas grill manual for meeting women that is WAY more complicated (and SO much less effective) than it needs to be.

 Everyone who has worked with me for a weekend always notices the same thing about me and how I function when I approach women.

 Like John, a client of mine.

 Here's part of our conversation when he spent a weekend with me recently...

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 ACTUAL COACHING SESSION

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David: What do you notice about my behavior?

John: What do I notice about your behavior? It seems very natural, very easy to you. And everything you say is very obvious. But once I'm not with you, it seems like I'm reaching again for the perfect thing to say, and then I'm waiting. And finally it's like, ugh, I've waited too long, now do I move ahead or just let it go?

David: Right, and that's why repetition is important. You notice that we're doing the same things over and over again, right? Did you talk to those women in the Pinkberry store?

John: No, I wasn't attracted to them."

David: I'm not attracted to 90% of the people I talk to, but I'm getting to know some great people. Just because I don't want to go out with someone doesn't mean that they're not a great person worth talking to. It doesn't mean that I can't learn something from them. It doesn't mean that I can't meet their friends down the road - it's all about building up that power and social network.

John: And the fact that those girls at Pinkberry were looking at that furniture book - even if we hadn't been to that furniture store I still could have just picked up on that and said something about it.

David: Yeah, it was the obvious thing. Furniture shop, redecorating your house... think about the things that come to your mind. An exercise that I tell guys to do is to take 20 common, everyday words - like coffee, groceries, furniture, fresh fruit, gas stations, whatever - write them down and create a story about each of those words. If you think about it, you can say something about every one of those twenty words.

 Every word.

 For gas stations, you think: gas is under $4.00 a gallon now. So then the next time you're filling up at a gas station, you can say, "Wow, gas dropped below $4.00 a gallon!"

 Everything can be created from that story.

 The obvious things are the things that you already know and things you can talk about.

 Furthermore, if you state the obvious, you won't break her train of thought, and if you don't, she's going to wonder why the fuck you're talking about something that's out of left field.

 So do you see the difference there?

The difference is huge!”  

In my g-mail; title of the email called: How To Keep Meeting Women SUPER Simple

-          Whether you want to talk about something important and have that intimate closeness feeling when talking about something that makes you vulnerable (which is needed to form deeper emotional connections) or want to have more laughs- which one you want at that particular time is purely your choice (more intimate connection vs good feeling laughs) is determined by how much and the type of energy you put into your voice as you say what comes to your mind. If you opt for more connection when being vulnerable, speak in a softer, slower, quieter tone of voice, as that is what happens to your voice tone as you talk about something that has caused you some pain in your life. if you opt for good feeling laughs, speak with more, but not overboard level of energy in your speech. Appropriateness is important. Speak with positive energy but appropriate levels. Many times when starting to get into a topic that has caused you pain, start out with this energetic energy. A few reasons why: energetic energy will first get the listener to pay more attention to you. It will draw them in as they will feel that extra yet appropriate difference in energy and will want to hear about it. Another good reason is because difference in voice tone and energy will emphasize and make different parts of your story more interesting. Imagine if someone told a personal story in monotonous voice. Their voice may be quiet but monotonous voice will bore people so varying voice tones and energy appropriate to the circumstance will help your story to come alive easily.

When talking to extroverted individuals, speaking with more energy will help them get that stimulation they need. Introverts are known more for engaging in “problem talk”- as stated according to Susan Cain in her Quiet: The Power of Introverts book- which isn’t a bad thing when both sides show understanding, acceptance, acknowledgement, and empathy as it leads to closeness. I thought that was an interesting point as I can understand what she means by that. Extroverts tend to enjoy competition as they get stimulation from it which is why they also tend to be more prone to and comfortable at verbal jousting and banter.  

-          It does annoy me a bit when people agree but all they say is “yeah”. I don’t mind them agreeing as long as that’s what they really think and feel and I would like them to say and express their thoughts and feelings after they say, “yeah, I know what you mean”. When people do that, perhaps I should ask them, “elaborate more on what you are thinking”.