This is in-response to this post: What About Me?
When I lay in bed at night, meandering in that state where the mind is still active, I frequently am bombarded with insightful thoughts percolating into my consciousness. I did yesterday, the night before my NCLEX-RN exam. It was related to my recent feelings of regret and shame, and as I was trying to decipher all what my emotions could tell me, I realized this: Be a giver of your love. That’s what I really want. I quickly jotted the following down in my phone: “It’s not so much that I dream about having sex with her, rather it’s the fact that I want to give the love of god to another person and share that love, especially after finding out what happened to her in her last relationship.” What happened to her in her last relationship bothered me and I won’t state it here. And part of me believed and fantasized how great I could make her feel, to give her all of me. That fantasy really appealed to me. If I had to imagine the same situation with a girl who showed interest in me while appearing to have it “all” and seemed to be unfamiliar to suffering, would I feel the same way towards her? Perhaps when you’ve suffered, you become more sensitive to the suffering of others, and want to do your best to help. And perhaps it’s quite naïve for me to imagine another person who has not suffered even if the appearance suggests that way. If I gave all of myself to that person, I feel like I might be “damaged goods”, after all, my development into becoming a better person has been a work in progress for a long time coming, and will never stop. It’s based off the belief that this girl’s too good for me, regardless of the naivety and veracity of this belief.
When I lay in bed at night, meandering in that state where the mind is still active, I frequently am bombarded with insightful thoughts percolating into my consciousness. I did yesterday, the night before my NCLEX-RN exam. It was related to my recent feelings of regret and shame, and as I was trying to decipher all what my emotions could tell me, I realized this: Be a giver of your love. That’s what I really want. I quickly jotted the following down in my phone: “It’s not so much that I dream about having sex with her, rather it’s the fact that I want to give the love of god to another person and share that love, especially after finding out what happened to her in her last relationship.” What happened to her in her last relationship bothered me and I won’t state it here. And part of me believed and fantasized how great I could make her feel, to give her all of me. That fantasy really appealed to me. If I had to imagine the same situation with a girl who showed interest in me while appearing to have it “all” and seemed to be unfamiliar to suffering, would I feel the same way towards her? Perhaps when you’ve suffered, you become more sensitive to the suffering of others, and want to do your best to help. And perhaps it’s quite naïve for me to imagine another person who has not suffered even if the appearance suggests that way. If I gave all of myself to that person, I feel like I might be “damaged goods”, after all, my development into becoming a better person has been a work in progress for a long time coming, and will never stop. It’s based off the belief that this girl’s too good for me, regardless of the naivety and veracity of this belief.
Nevertheless, I remembered back to
a book I read with the Dalai Lama, The
Art of Happiness. In it, the Dalai Lama states that romantic relationships
make people experience a much more unstable roller coaster ride of emotions,
and states that he feels the fantasy of romantic relationships is unrealistic.
Instead, he talks about not limiting intimacy to just your romantic companion,
but to all people. When asked if he ever felt lonely, the Dalai Lama replied, “No”.
This reminded me to the life of Jesus and how he lived his life and what he
stood for: giving unconditional love to all people, to help others in need. The
memory of me helping a guy out at the San Francisco Cal-Train Station then came
to mind. It’s the feeling of doing something so small to me, but so significant
for him, and the feelings of meaning, purpose, pride, and unconditional love
came to me. It’s the same feeling I have in my fantasy with this girl my
brother is seeing. I then realized that, you know what, even if for some reason
I don’t pass my NCLEX tomorrow, that shouldn’t cause me sadness, as it’s really
not the most important thing in the world. I believe what people most want out
of relationships is intimacy, which comes from unconditional love, the love of
Christ, the love of God, regardless if you believe in an afterlife or not.
Surprisingly, as I think back now,
these feelings of jealousy and regret did not explode to the same intensity and
degree until I learned what happened to her in her last relationship. After
finding out about it and honestly, in my heart, aching for her when thinking
about it, these feelings of regret and jealousy intensified to where I felt I had
to write them out to clear my head and feelings yesterday.
I am a very spiritual person, so my
beliefs about having compassion and helping others fit perfectly into this
puzzle. After realizing these things yesterday, I knew I have to give my love
and desire to help those suffering to as many people as I can. Recalling that
there is a blood shortage, I decided I wanted to give blood.
 |
| Tuesday; August 5th, 2014: gave blood after NCLEX-RN Exam |
I then thought of cases in my present life and the friends I do have, how I can show my unconditional love to them, and how and what I could give them. Not only is being a giver a trait of an alpha man, which helps with attracting women, but now I understand and have another motivation to do it besides just trying to get girls. People often think that we need to receive love to feel love, but in fact, the opposite is more true. It is the person who gives love who feels more love from all the people in his/her life. And when it comes to hitting the three main pillars that I believe yield in happiness: personal growth (self-improvement, having new experiences, playing); contribution/making a difference; and having strong, deep relationships with others; practicing giving unconditional love hits all three pillars to a tee.
Perhaps I can best conclude this
post this way:
Hit rewind, Click delete, Stand face to face with the younger me, All of the mistakes, All of the heartbreak, Here's what I'd do differently
I'd love like I'm not scared, Give when it's not fair, Live life for another, Take time for a brother, Fight for the weak ones, Speak out for freedom, Find faith in the battle, Stand tall but above it all, Fix my eyes on you…
-Fix My Eyes for King & Country
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