What About Me?

“Hello my name is regret. I’m pretty sure we have met. Every single day of your life, I'm the whisper inside, that won’t let you forget. Hello my name is defeat, I know you recognize me, just when you think you can win, I drag you right back down again, until you’ve lost all belief”

-          Hello, My Name Is - Matthew West

I’m wondering what 22 years of my quiet, introverted, shy, school-work oriented lifestyle has yielded in. I’m wondering about what happiness I have gained from it. As I sit here writing this, I feel unhappy inside. Feelings of regret, shame, fatigue, lethargy, weakness, anxiety, terrified, uncertainty are all percolating under my everyday stoic face and few words I make from small talk. I’d imagine that most people never guess that’s what’s silently cutting inside of me, eroding and quietly burning away at me. I suspect I look okay but I am dying inside. I intellectually get that there are people out there who have it worse than me, but WHAT ABOUT ME?! Are these people and I just suffering away, living lives of quiet desperation, while seeing other people who seem to have it better than us, only to feel that they DO have it better? I imagine a specific bald-headed TV doctor telling me what he told another guest of his, that I need to work harder and be patient, only for me to explode and say that I have worked so hard academically! But my lifestyle is still no different. I feel fucking miserable!

I am not proud of what I am about to say. From the list of emotions I wrote down, I am most troubled by regret and shame. Recently my twin brother got to know a girl. I had a chance, but I said no. He acted on it, and while for a moment I thought I could live vicariously through it, living vicariously is driving me down a spiraling path into a fantasy that has led me to regret, jealousy, shame, and anxiety. And I can’t seem to shake myself out of it, and what’s worst, I’m having trouble putting these selfish thoughts aside. He’s my brother. How could I possibly feel this way?! How could I possibly entertain the notion of if I had said yes? I cannot be this type of person. I just cannot. I am a good, moral person. I need to remember that I am young, decently good looking, great-bodied, smart, hard-working, moral, kind, understanding, ambitious, and adventurous person with grand dreams and potential for making them come true. I need to remember that I have had an opportunity presented to me before, and I didn’t take it, partly because she wasn’t that good looking but nevertheless. I don’t feel that I have had many opportunities. And being out of school now, where am I going to find opportunities now? Besides this, I’m also worrying over where I will find real friends in the future, how I am going to create a community, a history with people. All these things adding up are giving me anxiety. In addition, there’s still the problem of the constant mundaneness and dreariness that has been present in my life for years. All these things together are making me quite unhappy with my life right now.        

All I can do is to remember this: that I am young, decently good looking, great-bodied, smart, hard-working, moral, kind, understanding, ambitious, and adventurous person with grand dreams and hopes for the future with the potential to make them happen. Hopefully that future is here very soon. Just keep pressing on. That’s all I can do about it.