Ignore the statement above for several minutes. I'll get to it soon. After reading both the men and women's version of why dating can be frustrating, I realize this is a perfect example of an unfortunate irony in life. In the example of the double bind women and men have to deal with in regards to dating, society preaches morals that conflict with our biological desires. We can blame society, but if we really look at it, this quandary cannot be avoided. When two people are in a relationship, and one side is having an affair, loyalty is lost. This is a taboo because the loyal party would feel hurt and since people are more likely to identify with feelings of hurt, the majority of people would begin to shame and look down on the betrayer. The question is, if the human race got a do over, is it possible polygamy could be the norm? Is it our feelings of being hurt and betrayal that molds society to look down on cheaters and influence monogamy to be the norm?
What about other animals? From a bit of research of the sex lives of chimpanzees according to Wikipedia: "Each female copulates with many males, and vice versa". Other websites confirm the accuracy of this statement. Chimps are polygamous and although unknown to what degree, primates have been found to have moral conscience. Need proof? Take a look at this experiment:
Morals are formed from an ability to feel empathy. It might be possible that primates and many animals can experience emotions to the degree we do. If chimpanzees have morals, why can chimps live a polygamous life and yet not experience feelings of betrayal associated with having more than one sexual partner as we humans would? As funny as it may be to imagine, picture a human civilization as a group of 10 people total- 5 men and 5 women. Each one of us males gets to mate with any of the females we choose with. Would I still feel betrayed if my friend had sex with the same girl as well? Initially I would feel a hint of betrayal, but the more I think about it, the more I feel alright with this notion. When we all have the sexual freedom to choose our mates in our small 10 people “community”, loyalty has not been broken. Disloyalty in this scenario would have nothing to do with mating choices. But if one of the individual that was in our group of ten decided to leave to join another human civilization to meet their sexual desires, then the feeling of disloyalty manifests. It’s the same with human beings in our society. It’s the idea of our partner having sex with someone outside our group, which is considered disloyal. What is this group for humans in our society and where does it come from?
The answer is marriage. If you ask many women, they will tell you that marriage is a magical moment where two people come together to be one and to love each other for the rest of their lives. Marriage consists of two people. The idea of marriage- which was based on the idea that women needed someone to take care of them back in the day because women did not have equal rights as men and therefore needed protection- created the “group” consisting of only two people: one man, one woman. Same with the example from above, when one side looks outside the “group” to meet his or her sexual desires, betrayal and disloyalty is manifested. Feelings of betrayal from a monogamous relationship stems from the idea of marriage. Can marriage work if it’s legally defined as the union of one man and multiple women? After all, woman needed protection back in the day so wouldn’t a man who was taking care of more than one woman be looked upon favorably? Wouldn’t he be perceived as an honorable man who wants to take care of more than one woman for the rest of his life?
In our time, sex is considered a physically intimate act only done with someone of the opposite sex that you love. Our society views sex as equivalent to love. It is taboo to sleep around. However, when it comes to biological and evolutionary terms, sex has nothing to do with love at all. Men desire attractive beautiful women. Women desire a man who is dominant and can make her feel passionate emotions- emotions that a bad boy can make her feel to the point where she is willing to put up with the abusive aspects. Neither of these things have anything to do with love. One might be able to say, the woman is in love with the bad boy’s characteristics, but not love in terms of heartfelt genuine care and connection. This is also comparable to the idea that a man might love a woman because of the amount of physical and sexual satisfaction that he gets from her. But again, it’s still not love from genuine care and emotional connection. Remember that this is my definition of true love, but as stated in the, “Why Women Can’t Find a Good Man” article, there are two other types of love: lust and attraction- although I’d argue that lust and attraction are two sides of the same coin. But aside from the different types of love, marriage created the feelings of betrayal and disloyalty that stems from having more than one sexual partner. Nowadays, people are used to the idea of having only one sexual partner. These conditioned, negative feelings associated with sleeping around make it all the more difficult for our society to view polygamy as a possible norm. Polygamy is in our nature, and there are no inherited feelings of disloyalty associated with it. Hundreds of years of monogamous marriages have forced us to shun polygamy and not question the status quo. Past civilizations have experimented with polygamy. The holy Roman Emperor, Charlemagne, outlawed polygamy in 800 A.D., possibly for good reason as polygamy does not promote the adequate care of children’s needs. Seems like polygamy and monogamy are both problematic in society.
The more people there are, the more unlikely there will be true equality for all. Let’s take that same hypothetical scenario of our 10 person civilization. If only two of the five men get to mate, feelings of jealousy and resentment will fester. This is the way our society is. The majority of us won’t be able to have sex with that attractive girl we desire. Crimes such as murder are committed out of feelings of unfairness, jealousy, and anger. We are inherently flawed. If it’s not feelings of betrayal and disloyalty we feel from cheating partners, it’s unfairness and jealousy we will feel- both of these emotions manifesting as anger. Not everyone can win. Not everyone will be happy. It is because of our desire for sex and lust that feelings of negativity manifest. Even feelings of ego, pride, greed, and dominance that males work so hard subconsciously and consciously for are for sex. Bullies tease others for dominance. Men workout just to flock their “feathers”. Just how many men out there actually work out for their health? Men will risk their lives and health to fight other people over arguments just to protect their egos. All the things we do, all just for the opposite sex. We will tease others and put others down just to display our dominance for the opportunity for sex. We hurt others for sex. If we had no urge to have sex, would we still care about status? Would we care about being part of the cool kids in high school? No. We would not. All the battles fought for glory or power would not have happened. Without the desire for sex, we wouldn’t have overpopulation in the world. Without overpopulation, there would be no battles fought over for limited resources. Of course life would not continue if no one ever had sex, but if humans were only programmed to desire sex for a few short years in our lives, life would still continue and there would be peace in the world. As ludicrous as it may sound, our lives and society may be much better off if we weren’t so concerned with having sex. Unfortunately, this will never happen. There will never be peace in the world, because there will always be unfairness. Even in societies where fairness seems to be prevalent, men’s desire for power, greed, and status- a byproduct of lust- will eventually end peace.
It’s not just sex. It’s true with the vast majority of things that gives us pleasure. The tasty foods we eat harm our bodies. The things we find exciting can potentially cause us injury or harm. Rock climbing and going on adventures- as exciting as it may seem, there is danger involved. Sex sustains our human lineage and pleasure makes us feel good. But our insatiable appetite for sex and pursuit of pleasure also contributes to our unhappiness individually and our doom as a society in the future. The human race has and will continue to cause pain to each other to fulfill our needs for power, vanity, glory, and in the foreseeable future: basic survival needs of food, water, energy, and land.
Writing this has almost made me feel like a life of celibacy is worth living. Knowing this, I still want to experience sex. So the solution for men from the double-bind? Become a man who is a master communicator, a man who can communicate feelings and stir up passionate emotions without having the abusive aspects of bad boys. It’s way easier said than done, I know. There are quite a few dating gurus out there who teach how to be this new modern world alpha-man. David Wygant and Carlos Xuma are two guys I have studied from and admire their abilities to connect with and talk with women and people in general. These two guys are not pick-up artists. They teach you how to genuinely meet and connect with those people you want to talk to and get to know better. And the solution for women? Take the initiative to walking up and starting a conversation with a guy you find attractive. Sooner or later, you will find one of these modern-day aspiring alpha men who can closely match your idea of your prince. In this day and age, women should learn to take the initiative to talk to guys they are attracted to as well. After all, if women want better dating relationships with men, shouldn’t they take more initiative for their own lives as well as the men?