|Kobe Bryant's Muse|
I just finished watching Kobe Bryant's new documentary. This man is such an inspiration. His vulnerability on camera exposing his inner thoughts and feelings through his journey in life almost made me tear up. I love this man's tenacity, his hunger, his drive. And after watching it lying in bed, I feel compelled to get my thoughts out. You know, this is the second time my brother has not been here in my apartment. Earlier I was feeling abandoned to be perfectly honest. I was feeling like he had left me for this girl. I know it's probably common place for people my age to be in relationships honestly but I am different. There’s a part of me that yearns to be different from others. And after watching Muse and getting insight on Kobe's life, I feel like I can use these times alone in an efficient manner. My main concern is using my time wisely, effectively, efficiently. I cant stand myself wasting my time away, especially when I feel like I'm not having a relationship myself. I feel like if I'm missing out on something that's supposed to be what I'm doing in my early 20's, I need to make this time I spend by myself, WORTH IT. It MUST PAY OFF. I literally get a feeling of depression in me when I'm doing something that will yield me absolutely nothing in return. This feeling is heightened especially during the last two times my brother went to go stay at this girl's house. About that, there's a part of me that is worried that we may be heading down separate paths. I don't want that. I hope that we share the same life path. But decisions you make everyday are directly impacting your life tomorrow and in the future. I have taken up this dream that Erin Pavlina has told me about. The dream of being part of something that is so much bigger than myself. I burn for that. Really. I burn for that just like Kobe burned for recognition of being the greatest basketball player. He still is burning for that. That's the thing I believe I do have in common with Kobe. I believe I am special. I believe I am here on this Earth to do GREAT things. But right now I feel lost at times, wondering what I should be doing with my time, why opportunities are not coming my way. But that's the beauty of watching these biographical documentaries. Kobe was not getting opportunities early on in his career either, but that certainly wasnt the end of him. I have to believe the same for me. I yearn to be part of something so much greater than myself. I want to burn, to sacrifice, to toil, sweat, bleed for something as well. Kobe bleeds for basketball. What is my basketball? My basketball is the prophecy Erin informed me about, the journey that I'm after. But I want that feeling NOW. I fear this momentary motivation I'm spewing here is just that, momentary.
I can see myself in Kobe's place. Sitting in front of that camera, imparting the wisdom and knowledge that I've come to gain. In time perhaps. I do feel like I may have too many goals and targets if you will. Sigh. I want to be special. I want to be recognized for something much greater than myself. I want to inspire others with my perseverance and dedication. I want a life that's WORTH the pain, the lonely hours, worth the sleepless moments, the suffering. I want IT.