Regardless whether I watch a nature documentary of the Himalayas, revisit my favorite childhood shows- pbs kids’ Arthur and Zoboomafoo, or read, see, and hear about other people’s travel stories and pictures online or in person, I am reminded of my desire for adventure. I was researching online how other people who travel constantly fund their trips and adventures, and unfortunately there is no clear specific answer for everyone. Of course I need to figure out how I am going to fund my own adventure plans. Even though I have preliminary ideas such as travel nursing and a recently discovered option for nurses called per diem, many times I find myself going back online trying to find more ways to travel long term. Part of me has never understood why people would want to work. Perhaps most people do not want to work if given the choice. Here I am fretting over how I will travel and live a life of adventure because it seems like the majority of people out there have to work from 9 to 5, five days a week. It is not a type of life I want to live. The concept of being rich in terms of time and having the freedom to do what you want, when you want in Tim Ferris’ book, “The Four Hour Work Week” and Brian Kim’s article of, “Why Time Affluence Beats Material Affluence” speaks of monumental worth to me. In the end, part of living an adventurous life is having true freedom to do what you want when you want to. Of course I’m not talking about being able to fly off to Africa tomorrow if I chose to as that seems too erratic and spontaneous for me. But having the ability to make a decently high amount of money, and being able to be my own boss and determining when I want to go travel without having to ask for other people’s permission is a gold mine for me. There’s also much excitement in anticipation of the time spent planning and dreaming of the adventure before you set sail. Although this is the life I desire to live and is something I definitely want in my life, there is a dark, cynical, and malignant side of me here.
It has to do with an inferiority complex I have. All though out middle school, high school, and even at college, there are times where I hold resentment or a hidden dislike for people that seem to have the image of popularity, coolness, and happiness. It’s complex. If I personally know these people and get along with them, I do not hold resentment towards them at all. If it’s someone popular who I know purely through their name, and just say hi or bye when necessary to prevent social awkwardness, then there’s a certain amount of hidden dislike I have towards them. Some of these people I am talking about are not always rude or condescending, but because they are outgoing, they have more friends and seem happier. Well what’s the big deal about being popular especially if I know I don’t even want superficial relationships? I suppose it’s because society in America promotes extroversion and being popular as what everyone wants and to be the norm. I feel unsympathetic people may judge me harshly since I don’t have many friends, aren’t good with girls, and don’t go where popular people are. People who are popular also tend to have higher social statuses and higher social status means more attractive girls that will flock their way.
It’s times like this when I think about these people who are happier now because of their higher social status- especially the ones who may act a tad bit arrogant and superior towards others, that I dream about having the lifestyle of travel, adventure, and excitement. Then I pretend in my mind some of these people from high school whom I did not get along with or were secretively jealous of their popularity, living lives working a job they hate 5 days a week, a slave to their job to pay off their bills and to support their wife and kids after getting married- I now view marriage and kids as a hidden trap promoted by society. Marriage robs men of their freedom, free time, hard earned money, and mental and emotional energy. If the marriage works badly, then divorce orders half of our salary to given to the ex-wife. Marriage rates are at 50% in the U.S. There is no love anymore after marriage occurs because you grow tired of seeing each other every day. The sex dies after marriage especially if kids are born. And after kids are born, how many women still look that attractive as before? I could go on and on about the downsides of marriage but I’m going to stop here. Then for kids, what good do kids really do? On average, one kid spends at least $180,000 by age 18- before college. That is the minimum for a kid at age 18 prior to college. And at the end of the day, how many parents scream and yell at their kids for doing things that parents just can’t understand or approve of? These are my own views and perhaps for some people out there, they focus on marriage and kids from another point of view. Because of these feelings of jealousy and unfairness, I want these types of people to get married and have kids. I secretly desire to hear, years from now after a high school reunion, how these people have turned into overweight fart-bags who are living a life they do not want while I live a life filled with excitement and adventure. As evil as that sounds, that’s how I feel at times.
What about the women I liked through high school? To be honest, the same view applies as I want them to feel how I felt back in high school. Back in high school, guys like me did not have girlfriends. Attractive women wouldn’t think twice about talking to us. We weren’t the bad boys who were cocky and were popular. We weren’t the guys that went to school dances. We weren’t the guys who went to parties, or even for those that did, were barely noticed by the attractive women. So of course I want them to feel like how I felt. To be completely honest, I want the women who thought they were untouchable and hot stuff to have kids, become fat, and see their once beautiful bodies start to lose it. Yes, I’m going all out and being completely honest about how I feel about this topic. I will not hide my thoughts and feelings by sugar coating them. I want those women who I liked to want to desire me for the better man I’ve become and the lifestyle I can live. See the pictures of me traveling and going on adventures. See me smiling behind that grin, the muscular and toned body I have, and the lifestyle I live. Then they will begin to feel that the person they didn’t notice back in high school, they should have noticed. Although I know intellectually that I just was not as confident to be a man girls would be attracted to, I still felt hurt emotionally that these attractive women I saw didn’t even notice me. So of course there’s the part of me that wants to return the favor.
Of course an interesting scenario comes up in my mind. If one day I did see a girl I liked in high school, we began to talk and I can tell that she now likes me, how would I deal with that situation? Assuming she is still attractive, would I use that hidden and nearly forgotten resentment against her to make her feel like she should have paid more attention to me? Or would I welcome her into my life? Hard to say but I think I would definitely take the opportunity to do you know what. From assuming this, I feel that guys may feel like they are more in love with a woman just because we bang her a few times. This type of “love” results from a confusion standpoint. The guy liked the girl in high school, years later the girl likes the guy, the guy takes the chance to deposit sperm into a condom, and now the guy thinks he is in love because the girl has acquiesced to his previous desires years ago. A likely sequence of events to follow are, the guys starts paying for her stuff, paying for her dinners, buying her clothes all in an attempt to keep her and keep her happy so the sex keeps coming. The guy not wanting to lose her because he is not confident in his ability to meet new women, ends up making a financial mistake by tying the knot and having kids. Women may also poke holes in the condom or try to retrieve the sperm in the condom to get herself pregnant and forcing you to man up to your responsibilities. Just listen to this:
I feel like I may take her into my life but I know I must not get married. At what point in a relationship with a woman should I tell her I do not want to get married? If I come out honest in the beginning, I might not have a relationship at all. I do want to experience relationships with girls through dating but I guess I will have to see.
I feel like I may take her into my life but I know I must not get married. At what point in a relationship with a woman should I tell her I do not want to get married? If I come out honest in the beginning, I might not have a relationship at all. I do want to experience relationships with girls through dating but I guess I will have to see.
What about the thought of forgiving those who you felt have acted superior and condescending towards you? Revenge can be a sweet thing when you see someone that humiliated you suffer. I find myself able to forgive someone who may have been condescending towards me if I live my life the way I want to. If I live my life with the lifestyle how I desire to and someone else is not living as happily, I can forgive them on a superficial level because I know deep down they must be suffering. Hence, revenge exacted without having to interfere. So does that count as forgiveness? Deep down probably not. It’s one thing to forget what something has done to you and another to forgive them. If someone truly hurt you in the past, is it possible to forgive them without any sort of compensation or punishment? Let’s take an example I had senior year in high school.
I was in Calculus class and it was likely the end of the year because no one in the class was doing any homework or class work. My friend and two other people proceeded to play cards with two other people I did not know. I had some hesitation to play cards because I only knew one game, big 2. I briefly mentioned I did not know many card games, hinting that I did not know how to play the other major card games. Then this junior who was in the class who was sitting across from me in our table of four yelled out as if to the entire class, “You don’t know how to play Texas hold em or Poker?” “Have you been living under a rock?” His second comment was what really made me tense up and wanting to kill this guy. I replied in a calm but slightly embarrassed and agitated tone of voice, “No, I don’t know how to play”. He went on to make a huge deal about me not knowing how to play any of these card games. It was hurtful that he reacted in a very judgmental tone of voice and I felt like he was purposefully embarrassing me in front of others by yelling out loud. Much of the time after that class was spent thinking about what I should have said to shut him the fuck up and embarrass him in front of others.
As of right now, about two years have gone by. When I think it to myself in my mind I’m not too mad anymore but if I saw him in person again out of pure chance, I would probably avoid and completely ignore him. In a way, the emotions of anger and hurt are no longer as strong as first, but I have not forgotten the incidence. Know that I know what type of person he is, I will be ignoring him if I ever see him again. If I did have to interact with him for some reason, I would respond very minimally with my body turned away from him. And if I did see him down the street and he made eye contact with me, I would make sure at all costs that he looks away first. From one can observe from my description, I would love to have him pay for how he made me feel. I would not purposefully seek revenge, but if the chance ever came up, I probably would seek justice. From this example, can I say I’ve truly forgiven him? Probably not because forgiveness requires letting all of the negative emotions go. It sounds to me that if we have truly forgiven someone, if given the chance now to exact revenge, we would not look for recuperation. If we would still gladly take that chance for revenge, then we haven’t truly forgiven them? It seems like time doesn’t heal all wounds completely then. Time will make the negative emotions go away for the most part, but not all of it. Or perhaps I should wait another year before I ask if I have forgiven him?
The only real solution that would heal this type of damaged relationship would be through a genuine, heartfelt apology. The apology must be initiated by the one who hurt the other. Any forced apology means very little because they were not truly sorry for what they did. A forced apology still shows that the person does not get that what they did was hurtful. However, an authentic apology done right can heal all wounds very fast. It’s possible to even feel closer and warm to the person that hurt you simply because being honest and apologizing authentically requires being emotionally intimate and them dropping their ego. I feel like if I saw him someday and he came out to apologize, I would completely forgive him for what he did and said.
To sum this all up, it’s apparent to me that I experience Schadenfreude like most people. For those people who don’t have to work as hard as me, and have a life more enjoyable than me right now, I feel that unfairness and would rather they have to work just as hard as me to succeed. I wonder if people with great morals experience Schadenfreude, or if they just find a way to focus on their own journey rather than others’. I wouldn’t be surprised if they do.
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