A Conversation with a Completely Unexpected Turn of Events

The negative beliefs in my subconscious are the reasons for the pains in my life. Today my clinical professor, Jessie, and I had a heart to heart talk for the second and last time this semester. Today was my last day at Silvercrest Senior Center and Salvation Army’s Meals that Heal. We talked all about the future of nursing, RN job opportunities, nurse practitioners, the MSN & DNP programs, RN transition programs, and networking. Doesn’t seem like topics that would cause me to become emotional. Towards the end of our talk, simply put, wanting to be my normal, introverted self, I wanted to get out of the group lunch Jessie had set up with where I would have to force myself to interact with a bunch of girls that I had no connection with and felt awkward and insecure around. At first read here, it’s hard to understand why this would lead to a complete 180. But as it would turn out, I would come out of our talk with a whole lot of mixed emotions.

I felt cared about. She acknowledged how I felt and was understanding instead of doing what most people do wrong- by trying to use logic to persuade them to feel better. I cried and with the few words I could conjure up, I expressed holistically with my tears of my frustrations about what has happened recently, about trying to get Lucky to be at that state of health and happiness I want her to be at, frustration from feeling as if I’m being judged when walking Lucky and a car or pedestrian goes by and can see them give looks at Lucky and I. My other mixed feelings are feelings of aloneness, feelings of being different from people my age socially, feelings of having so little friends in my life when compared to most others my age, and frustrations from feeling so deeply while being very sensitive to my emotions and yet not being able to express those feelings in an uninhibited manner. In the back of my mind, I have always known that I am quite sensitive to my emotions and can be easily overwhelmed by them into tears, but I was still rather surprised to hear Jessie tell me that she could tell that I was very sensitive.

More frustration is mixed in holistically from working hard academically for a future that I have trouble feeling confident about as a result of my introverted personality and shyness. Jessie told me that networking is important to finding a job, and isolating myself from my cohorts of students-who I have trouble relating to because I enjoy different types of socialization and due to my negative beliefs but regardless of the reasons- I am setting myself up for failure. I cringed inside when I heard her say those words. Ever since I was in preschool, I’ve known I have tendencies that make me less sociable than others. I have shyness that I consider to be hindering and has caused me much pain in my life. In fact, one of the predominant reasons I continue to put so much effort into this blog is so I can use this understanding of myself to help me talk and connect to people emotionally and make that genuine emotional connection.

I cried for the second time this semester. Excluding the last one this past semester, the last time I cried like this was probably in 8^th grade of middle school. I will admit that there is definitely some part of me that loves conversations of this depth and intimacy as it makes me feel authentically connected with that person emotionally. It definitely takes someone who knows how to console someone to really comfort someone in pain. She gave me a hug after I regained some of my composure. I told her how making friends has never been easy for me, and feeling different from others, with what's happened recently, with Jessie just telling me a side of nursing from her experience that seemed to thwart my ideal plan of 3 days work, 4 days off schedule with 4 days time to myself, thinking about how hard I've had to work so far academically in my life, and wanting to live a life full of adventure- all of this came at me at one time and I got teary-eyed.

Some of her comments that stood out to me were that I am very empathic, very sensitive, that I was a good person, that I asked wonderful mind-opening questions as she told me she was very impressed with my post in regards to vaccinations that I posted on blackboard and here as well, that I was very hard on myself, how it was alright to be less sociable than others as she said her husband only has two really good friends and besides that, he doesn't like groups either. She told me that her older son and older daughter are also like that while her younger daughter is more like she is in terms of loving social time. She also gave me some tips in regards to treating these informational meetings that are supposed to help nursing students get in touch with the current and future trends of nursing that we best be aware of. We were supposed to meet our group at 12:30 for lunch but by now, it was already past 1:10 certainly as I remember seeing the clock at 1:10 as she asked me if we were coming to lunch and I politely declined which was the trigger that set off these flow of events. After David got me some tissues, I asked David if he could give me a few minutes and he left the room to give me some privacy. Jessie and I continued to talk for another 20 to 30 minutes as I released my emotions. As we wrapped it up, we hugged again and I said we would keep in touch. David and I walked down towards Market street and in my heart, I knew I would just shake off this emotional irregularity and David would respect that privacy, which I was grateful for. That face to face interaction is probably our last for some time but as I walked towards the bus stop back to the apartment, all that was in my mind was reliving select moments I remembered and the emotions I was experiencing. And evidently, as I write this late at night, I still am reliving it.    

On a quick side note, this blog, for the last several months, has definitely felt to be more of a burden than a source of satisfaction. I feel constantly overwhelmed to document and write about so many things, whether it be about the new-age science or emotions and experiences I feel strongly about. On a spontaneous whim, born out of a moment of pure frustration and overwhelm, the thought of deleting this blog has entered my mind more than once but part of me strongly desires to see this effort pay off in satisfaction as I feel in the future, this work I am doing for my blog can result in an absolutely beautiful cumulative diary and journal of my life that has great potential for inspiring myself and others. My hope for the future of this blog is to have ample time to work at one thing at a time, outside of work of course, and write in regards to that one focus so I won’t feel overwhelmed and discouraged with a myriad of subjects I feel compelled to write about. All the hours of hard work I’ve dedicated to my academic career is preeminently for the time, money, and freedom that I desire and was and still is the main reason for me coming into nursing. Jessie told me that the nursing job is tough, the learning never stops, you will always have to put time in to stay up to date, and there ain’t any easy route. Imagining a life that is, to some extent, comparable to my idol, Bear Grylls, seemed to be fading in my mind. During my past life regression session- yes, I did, and did not even write about the experience yet and of course I feel frustrated and overwhelmed with all the stuff I want to write about, yet don’t even know where to start- the SC did briefly mention that people who are great conversationalists have been provided to me to help me grow and advance my conversational ability- and yes, I still remember that brief mention, even though I have yet to write about the experience in more detail. I know that one day, sooner or later, I will have to work on my communication skills when it comes to groups and conversing with women. Working on that skill now could have benefits and negatives for me so it works both ways. It’s just a matter of whether I have that desire to make that effort and frankly, even after today, I do not think the time is right to become the best David Wygant version of myself right now. It’s just a reminder for myself for the future and I do believe, when it is time to really learn something, the fuel necessary to drive you and the resources necessary to guide you will enter your life. Writing this now at night with more objective clarity, these potent emotions have been some of the most prevailing feelings of my life. I can see my future turning out one of two ways. I can see myself feeling rather depressed about my frustrations and feelings of alone, and have that be the story of my life where my future thoughts, actions, and happiness is a result of this post I am writing today. I can also see myself becoming a mentally strong individual who is proud of overcoming my hardships and difficulties. I can see myself as a person who is living something close to what I dream about. A person who is living his life more or less by his own free will, not subject to the external influences, and not feeling like a victim in life as I very much did this afternoon. This afternoon, after the talk, I was certainly feeling depressed, pitying myself, and feeling like a victim of my personality.  To clarify, I think I have a great personality, but my genuine personality is thwarted and hidden often times by my negative beliefs in my subconscious. My authentic personality is inhibited. And even though my authentic personality is one of an introvert, I know I can be funny, charming, quick witted, and charismatic. I just can’t display it because I feel scared to let others see the real me because subconsciously, I’m very afraid that others will hurt me. It’s certainly not easy to admit it, but these are some of the major difficulties I have in my life.

When Jessie was talking to David and I about not isolating ourselves, David was strong and seemed to roll it off his back with relative ease. He has that ability to hear what others are saying and display a “I hear what you are saying but I’m not going to agree of dispute it” mentality which seems to serve him well. That’s one difference between David and I. He is more mature and more responsible than I am, and from what I’ve read from Dolores Cannon in regards to identical twins, I wonder if David is here to help me because I will need that help or if he is just here to help guide me in a gentler fashion, so to speak. From the past life regression session, I know one major lesson I am here to learn is to be sensitive and responsible to the needs of others and to put my desires aside for the needs of others. Obviously, to the degree this becomes true will play a major determinating factor of my happiness in life in regards to pursuing my own goals. Some of my goals is to help people as well, as after what has happened recently, I do wish to learn Dolores Cannon’s QHHT so I can help others who feel how I felt and currently feel. There is a part of me that genuinely desires to be able to help others significantly. I just hope I will find that balance where I am sensitive and responsible to the needs of others and be able to accomplish the other personal goals I have for myself. From my impression and intuition of the past life regression, this lesson is geared more towards me than David. And as day by day goes by since September 24^th, 2012- the day of the regression session- I can see more and more clearly how David is in essence the responsible one who is helping guide me down the road. Frankly, if David wasn’t here to help me, I have a feeling I would more likely than not, have turned out rather different than who I am today, and I don’t mean that in a good way. And as Nathan Furst’s song, Damn Few, for the movie, Act of Valor, begins to conclude, I feel it’s a perfect tone to summarize how I felt this afternoon and right now as well. I have felt for a long time now- since the near inception of this blog- that music is the best way for us to express how we feel. Few songs can penetrate us to the depth of our souls. This is one. Damn Few songs. Damn Few.   

P.S. My writing for this post has been here and there and all over. I feel it has been rather unorganized and when I started writing this post, I felt more depressed than I do now, after writing it for today. I haven't written this style of post in a while now so that may account for the mere adequate flow of the post. I may send Jessie and email tomorrow to tell her how I appreciate her support. It's Wednesday; 12:12 AM now December 5th, 2012. I'm going to bed. Nightie Night.