What Do You Think About When You are Alone? Saturday; December 3, 2011

     Yesterday as I was walking my dog around 8 pm at night through the dimly lighted streets of my neighborhood, I thought to myself why I seem to have such a hard time expressing how I really feel about things. Perhaps it is because society preaches guys to be tough and not to show feelings of vulnerability. Perhaps it is because men are afraid that if we show pain about something we are hurting about, we will be made fun of. In my writings, I seem to know who I am in the deepest ways possible but as I was walking home today, I felt that if my friend asked me this question of the day, I would struggle expressing who I really am and what I really want to do in my life. I guess I need to practice expressing my feelings more.

     So what do I think about when I am alone? When I am not focused on school work, a majority of the time I read articles that I feel will help me achieve my dreams and goals. What are my dreams? After watching the lion king, I discovered that I am infatuated with developing and having strong, deep, and close relationships with people and living a life full of excitement through the pursuit of adventures. There’s a quote from Joseph Campbell that sums it up perfectly: "People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. ... I think what we're seeking is an experience of being alive." A sense of being alive and being able to share that feeling with people I feel a deep connection with is what I desire at the core of my soul. 

     So much of my life so far has been the opposite of these two major things I desire so badly. Walking home today, I felt that deep down, something was killing me. There were no major thoughts that were disturbing me so my mind was empty, but as I kept walking, I felt something bothering me. In the past I could never put exactly put a finger on it. But now, thanks to the lion king, I do know. I know what is bugging me, but I am not able to do anything about it right now. It kills me deep down. These two things are such important things to me yet I am not able to focus on them as much as I’d like right now. I want to develop deeper and closer relationships with people yet I don’t have the time to practice right now. Doing well in nursing school requires a lot of hard work and time. Going on adventures takes money and time. Both of which I don’t have right now. You could say  that the travel nursing career is something that potentially might be able to give me the time and money down the road to do these two things, but as of this present moment, I’m stuck feeling helpless. It bugs me that other people who are goofing off and having fun, get to have fun. What if all my hard work and effort put in to succeed academically doesn’t get me the freedom, the time off to learn how to connect deeper with others, and enough money and time to pursue adventures? What if it turns out that I am working a job that I don’t enjoy doing? One that earns a good amount of money just so I can spend on things I don’t really want or need and have so little time to do what I actually want in life? All that hard work in school for a future I won’t be excited about? The people that goof off right now seem to have many friends, I don’t know how close, and seem to enjoy their life. While I’m here adhering to the plan my parents always preached to me about working hard and getting good grades. It’s no fun. I really hope studying hard and getting into a career into nursing will pay off in the end. I hope I will have the time and money to go on adventures and have the time and money to learn how to develop deep and close relationships with people.