On Wednesday, October 10th, 2012, I bought a book
called “Dog Cancer: The Holistic Answer” by Dr. Steven Eisen. I wanted an
already walked path, a path with a role model who had obtained the outcome that
I wanted. I wanted a natural method, with no side effects to give Lucky the
longest survival time with the best quality of life. None of that bullshit
survival timeline of chemotherapy and traditional cancer patients where the
survival time and the money the hospitals gain from the patient’s sickness are
all that’s truly cared about. This book and the knowledge and resources it
provided me were the foundation and backbone of what Lucky’s treatments were.
It also gave me the foundation for my knowledge to naturally treat cancer, what
causes it, and what can be done. Up to this point, we would walk her every day,
but she would be limping every where she went. I hated how everyone who drove
by all turned their heads and looked. It infuriated me that people would look
out of curiosity. I get why people look. But each time someone looked, only
negative thoughts and feelings came to mind. Thoughts that either reminded me
of the predicament Lucky was in, thoughts of looking at Lucky as if she was
some deformed monster, or thoughts of myself as a bad owner would fire up my
temper. In my mind, I was thinking, “what the fuck are you looking at?!!” I
hated seeing a car come down the road because I would see them looking and
turning their heads as they drove by. I despised it so much because of the pity
people would show. Pity and sympathy can be heart-warming, but when everyone
starts looking at your dog as if, “oh, poor girl”, their pity boils my blood. I
mean every time I see someone looking, I start feeling this way. It’s a matter
if enough people look during that walk, that’s enraging. Intellectually I
understand why they look, but when enough people look again and again and
again, it’s equivalent to one person staring, and staring is rude! Why is
staring rude? I don’t know and in my cantankerous state of mind right now, it
does not matter! I just wanted to be treated normally. Even all the attention
is not ill-minded or ill-hearted, when it comes to a handicap, everyone just
wants to be treated normally because the extra, special attention that is
placed, even if well-intentioned, constantly reminds them that they are
different! If it’s attention for something that is positive and makes them be
more respected and admired, then of course people would love that attention,
but if it’s negative, that well-minded attention has the reverse effects! I
wished for Lucky to be healthy again, just so I could walk and play with Lucky
free of this feeling of being in an abnormal predicament. Before this her
diagnosis, I was lazy to walk Lucky and disliked it because it felt like a
chore. Now I appreciated the exercise she would get for the effort she would
give, even when she was tired and resting every few steps, but with a glaring
face staring my way as they would drive by. I wanted Lucky to enjoy the time
she had outside, but I loathed it when someone was coming my way.
My brother and I were walking Lucky. It was drizzling and
started to rain harder. With Lucky’s three healthy legs, you’d imagine that
walking mediocre distances that she used to be able to do would be somewhat of
a challenge. I did not know at the time that training her left hind leg by
going long-distance was not a favorable action or training methodology to undertake
to strengthen that hind leg. I found out later that there are certain programs
out there that help train three-legged dogs adapt and gain strength back. So
there we were trying to get Lucky to move faster due to the increasing pouring
rain, and from our actions of rushing her, in hindsight, we may have pushed her
too hard, as when she reached our gate, she collapsed and just rested there. We
covered her up with our rain coats, went inside to fetch an umbrella, and
opened it over her. She was spent, evidently. I do not know if that just tired
her psychologically or actually impacted her physically, but on days afterwards,
her walks would be a lot shorter and most of the time just consisted of her
sitting down and resting on a grassy sidewalk or on a patch of some neighbor’s
lawn. And as you can guess, it resulted in often times, us explaining to the
neighbors who would come out, about Lucky’s condition. Not fun. I found it
tiring how I had to repeat the type of cancer it was and telling others details
that I’ve had to repeat multiple times over. There was even one time I ended up
explaining to a neighbor who got mad that I was not taking Lucky to the vet
after I told him several days before that “she just hurt her leg”. Not fun at
all feeling like others are judging me as a bad owner for not wanting to
explain to others whom I have no connection with about all the details of her
cancer and unknown status. Again, just another case where I understand why they
ask and are concerned but emotionally, felt irritated by others constantly
reminding me of this “incurable” disease that she had. I certainly was not
going to be telling them about my spiritual beliefs or what I’ve learned from
Bruce Lipton to justify the decisions I’ve made for her treatment protocol-wise.
I would tell them about Dr. Steven Eisen and his book but I was not going to go
in depth in discussing something that at the time had no real conclusion to
yet. This is one of the reasons I did not write about this on my blog prior.
Until there was a conclusion with Lucky’s situation, I did not want to write
about it, because anything I write is pure speculation of how it would turn
out. Second, I did not want to subject myself to all the possibilities of what
may occur without anything actually occurring. Why subject myself to that
torture? Thirdly, if I was to actually write about it, every day, my mind could
have wandered into a very dark place, which is something I could not afford,
being in Nursing School and having the toughest semester, Junior Two, coming
up.
As I said previously, and even more after really going on
walks, she spent a lot more time outside in the backyard than she would prior
to her diagnosis. I couldn’t help but feel like things were, although surface
wise seemed alright, things were gradually going downhill. To be honest with
myself, things were not going uphill in terms of getting better, and with Lucky
becoming less mobile, the quantum touch session, the session with Dell Morris,
the session with Chi Gong Master Hong Liu, with what I learned from the Past
Life Regression, and with a long-standing belief since I was a kid that deep
down, been worrying about Lucky, my intuition told me that I was running out of
options.
To clarify this last part about “a long-standing belief
since I was a kid that deep down, I worried about Lucky”, I remember as a kid in
middle school worrying and being somewhat OCD about Lucky. This will sound a
bit silly, but it’s very true nonetheless. Our television always had a channel
that was blocked out and would yield in static if selected to that channel. It
was channel 11. Channel 9 and 10 were KQED, which I watched, channel 12 was
either the CW or the television guide – I can’t remember which – and channel 13
was the WB, I believe. I’m not here to recount the channels I grew up with in
correct order, but I know that there was one channel in between these channels
that I watched that was not receivable and yielded static. For some reason, I
took this as something negative that would happen with the year or number 11. I
know, it has no scientific value whatsoever, and I could have interpreted the
drop in the series of television show as something completely otherwise, but I
did not have a good feeling about that growing up. This is one example of me,
deep down, worrying about her. The fact that I would worry about her when she
was living in the backyard day and night is another example.
