I Feel More and More Overwhelmed by How Much I Want to Type Up for this Blog Vs. Time Writing Put in and Desire to Do it Knowing How Much I Have to Do

Why do I feel the need to write down all somewhat significant thoughts in a documented fashion, why do I feel the need to download all these spiritual related websites and books and videos? Why do I feel the need to keep and organize all these things? I mean look at my downloaded folders stuff, I feel uncomfortable giving up on all of this. Im supposed to be living a minimalist lifestyle. Remember all I looked at in highschool? Living according to your priorities,

What can I get out of reading all these books on spirituality, say DC’s books. I want recognition of having tohers see that I have looked at all of these so I get that feeling of pride and respect from others of being this person who is full of wisdom, looking into all these things. Its real interesting to read about all these things but at the end of the dayk, im not going to memorize it, I do not know if I will be able to teach others about it to get that recognition. I can tell my friends about it but how often do I really get to talk in depth about these things to my friends? from the few friends ive got, how many will I actually feel comfortable telling about regardless if I actually know what I can talk educatedly  about what I wantto talk about? Only with anup and maybe with tanuj. And that’s it. There is so much I want to get recognition for through my writings so I get respect from people and others but I seem to have for one reason or another, im not getting it done. I guess when I want recognition I want to show others that didn’t notice me early on what ive become. But I feel like what is there to werite about with all this im reading? It’s the work of others. I feel like im in a way, taking credit and just paraphrasing what they said. Don’t know if that is plagiziring in a sense,. My main issue is that I want to be noticed, I want that attention, that love I guess. Is that all that’s going on here? How about just putting myself above the crop and distinguishing myself? This could distinguish myself. Yea but the thought came to me that if I put aside this writing that I do, I could at least use that time to read these books right? Or will that time be wasted to be squabble;ed to do st else? What will I do in my time in the future? Im not some person that wants to be around people a lot of the times, so what will I do if I give yp my writing? I can read all these books, talk about them with my friends.

If I close this blog, will I ever return to writing again? Is this something that Ill regret? Will I feel the urge to write again in the future? To want to share your life experiences with anyone who may read it? To be able to experience that feeling of nostalgia years from now? To share experiences when I go on trips? How will my self-expression manifest itself? How will I express myself?

Ahhhhh I feel overwhelmed. So many unreslving questions with no clear answeres. Im sqwyated on both sides of the questions. I have solid arguments going both ways. I hate the feeling of just leaving my blog up without being updated. I want this blog I feel is special to be perfect or in a way, not have it at all. To be rid of this feeling of burden that im experiencing.

Another way to get recognition? So I read these books, what can I write about? I don’t want to just summarize them. Im not here to write a review on the book on how good it is. I can outline it but in a way authors write and work hard and should be compensated for their work, not be bypassed b/c some person put out theier ideas and chapter poiitns online bc they wanted recognition for being a learner of all of this.

Should I video record myself talking and thinking about it? Join toastmasters to at least talk about it and lecture about these books that I read? So this way I gain recognition as well as learn this material in the strongest way known, to teach others helps retain info about 90%? What of this blog? Sigh. Stumped. I hate this feeling of being just stuck in a situation with no answer and whatever choice I make, it’s unsatisfoactory.

Writing takes up a lot of time, time I could use to read. But don’t people hate reading books only to forget and barely be able to talk about what they read? What kind of learning and investment is that? So much effort put in with such little true learning. True learning happens in the field, when you get experience. But what is the “experience” for this? Reading about say “Emerging Viruses?” I guess by talking about it is experience. It might be the best experience you can get. What are the keys that I need to come away from this conundrum satisfied? 

Key themes: what needs do I get from having this blog?

Books about detailed esoteric knowledge

Sharing it with people to demonstrate your knowledge to get recognition from others

Want recognition from the world, society

Sharing it with friends b/c I enjoy it and provides stimulating conversation topics that allow me to get intimate and build deep connections with people  

Document my life as have nostalgia when I look back on it

Allows me to mine books for information, interesting knowledge, and delve into further questions and learning experiences

Get to demonstrate my personality and who I am from having this blog

Cons of having this blog:

Somewhat loss of privacy on this blog

People that read what I post and find it somewhat intolerating may have a negative impact for me if they are involved with me work wise

Takes up a decent amount of a day’s time to a lot of time to write

Am I plagiarizing? Or paraphrasing and adding my own thoughts and opinions in?

After rambling about this, I feel better now. I don’t feel as emotional about deciding whether I should or should not close it. I feel like ill leave it up. The storm has passed again. But I know this may come back. What I do need to do for sure, is to catch up on all my writings. If I fail to catch up on my writings and constantly feel behind in my writings and just having more and more stack up, the more often and the more strong I will feel about closing this blog. I very much dislike feeling the way I did when typing this until now. It’s overwhelming. I need to decide what it is im going to write about, and get down to doing it otherwise even though I feel alright right now after ranting, it will come back very soon again unless is start working and making progress to getting on track and making changes to avoid overwhelming myself in the future.  

I remember watching an Arthur show talking about things being less fun if you had to do them. It does feel that way, especially as I know in the back of my mind that there is more and more things piling up vs. me not putting in the time to make progress towards them. But at the same time I am reminded of being young, and putting in the time to do what it takes to accomplish my goals. Always err on the side of hard work, especially when you are young, or you may very well regret it someday.

I realize that much of this is my ramblings, which explains all the spelling mistakes. It's just trying to catch up to the firestorm of thoughts that are going off in my head.