This is an article that lists Celebrities who were bullied in school. It feels a bit shocking to know that these popular celebrities did not go through life as happy and as glamorous as it seems, and that they had to go through times of hardship as well. I definitely feel more happy for them knowing that they had to go through tough times and now they are rich, have successful careers, and are happy- at least it seems that way.
http://www.listal.com/list/celebrities-were-bullied-school
Other great reads:
http://sports.yahoo.com/mma/news?slug=dw-wetzel_georges_st_pierre_addresses_bullying_042611
http://youbentmywookie.com/wtf/author-suggests-geeks-make-better-adults-than-the-in-crowd-popular-kids-12457
Remember Who You Are
Friday, July 20, 2012
Another Verbal Self-Defense Scenario: Playing Ball at Saratoga
Today I was playing ball at
Saratoga High School's Courts with some friends. I was guarding this tall, lanky, and skinny Indian guy down low in the post. The ball knocked out of his hands and went out of bounds. This white teen with his shirt off was by our court getting a drink at the water fountain when he looked at my friend and said in a sarcastic and mocking tone of voice, "Woah man, was that a foul?!" My friend responds about a second later saying "no man, no foul" calmly although I sensed that he was a little rattled from the stranger's teasing comment. Although his response was decent, I feel my friend still got played. I feel a better response to deflect his comment would be, "ohhhh, I don't know man, maybe you can tell me" in a calm and joking manner, followed by walking away to completely cut the attack off.
Perhaps just saying, "ohhh, I don't know man" in a calm and joking tone of voice is best as it cuts the conversation off right there. Ending in "maybe you can tell me" gives him a chance to respond and continue the attack. He may even feel compelled to answer back as he may feel he would be seen by his peers as backing off if he didn't respond to the seemingly rhetorical question.
The key in these scenarios is to joke back respectfully and calmly and not answer his question in a serious tone of manner. Responding to his attack in a mocking tone of voice and saying, "ohhh, i don't know man !" would only entice him further and add fuel to the fire. The attacker's goal is to try and rattle you and if you can give a response that saves face for the both sides, it is the best response.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
My Example of the 5 Steps
Verbal Self-Defense in the Workplace:
Situation: In the middle of performing head to toe
assessment on patient when he says:
Patient: “Stop touching me. Get out.”
Use 5 steps-method as shown in youtube video.
You: “Sir, with all due respect, finishing the head to toe
assessment is important to ensuring the improvement of your health and the monitoring
of your signs and symptoms. I need you to be patient with me. Okay?”
Him: “No, I don’t want you to touch me! Go away!”
You: “Okay, I hear that you’re angry. I got that. Let me see
if I understand you correctly. You’re feeling angry because you feel like I
don’t care about you and I’m just here to do my job and leave. You feel like
you’re not as independent as you were prior to getting sick. Are any of those
reasons true?”
Let him modify the feelings and/ or reasons. If he says
nothing, continue with:
You: “Look, I know that you’re angry for reasons that you
won’t tell me. The truth is, I’m on your side. I’m here to do what’s necessary
for you so you can go home. You don’t want to be here. You want to go to your
own home, kick your feet up on your table, eat your own food, relax on your
sofa, be with your family, sleep in your own bed, get up on your own time, I
want that for you. Now you can sit here and be as uncooperative as you can be,
but you will only be prolonging the time you will be spending in here. And you
don’t want that. Let me help you get out of here. Let me help you get better
faster.”
My Notes From the Verbal Judo Youtube Video of Doc Thompson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btBw70HAys4&feature=related
Raise expectations regarding what they can personally do.
Persuassion. Mention the negative, persuasion is done. See and mention the good
and ignore the F.
(at 55 min) 2nd nugget: you want to calm people
down; one conclusion: project empathy. The moment you stop looking like the
other, you lose your power to persuade them. You become irrelevant. Don’t use
the phrase “I understand where you are coming from”. Empathy is something that
is projected. Show them. Ex: you are talking to someone who is yelling at you.
When you paraphrase you wrap what they mean in your words and you give it back
to them. It’s his meaning and your words together. A mix.
You’re talking to someone who is yelling at you. Your job to
paraphrase is to get what they mean. Not what they say. What do they really
mean? And to do that, you wrap it in your words, and you give it back to them
to ensure that you have heard it and understood it correctly. The formula for
paraphrase gives you a third perspective in a two person conflict. It’s not his
words and his meaning. It’s not your words and your meaning. It’s a blend of
his meaning and your words. Here’s the formula:
(at 1 hr 8 sec.)
Your’re (feeling) because of _______? True? ß
you must be disinterested. No bias must be shown. First blank you put a
feeling. The second blank, you put a reason or reasons. “okay, I see you’re
upset, I got that, and you’re upset because you think I purposefully put you
down the other night in front of the class. Is that true?”
Now notice what they can do to respond. They can modify the
feeling section: “No I’m not angry, I’m disappointed”. They can modify the
reasons. Or modify both.
The most powerful word in persuasion when someone is angry
is empathy. The most powerful sentence to get someone angry to listen to you is,
“Let me see if I understood what you just said”, while holding your hand out
like a stop sign. “let me see if I understand you”. Nobody talks when you say
that. It’s the only way to interrupt them and not generate a problem. When they
feel like you don’t understand, they listen hard to prove it. It shuts people
and doesn’t get them angry. It gives you control. You get control by paraphrasing.
When people talk, words fly out, and so do their real underlying feelings.
Ex: I went to a house one night and the guy says, “Where the
hell have you been?....(gibberish)”. Words of rage, anger, frustration.
You’re (feeling) because ________. True?
-
Under the feeling blank: rage, anger,
frustration
-
Under the blank write 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
1.
“help me!” a burglary call.
2.
“what about my stuff?”
3.
Fear
4.
Violated
5.
Time. “where you been? It’s been three hours?”
George Doc Thompson was late three hours while attending to other more
immediate calls.
Never
react to words. You respond. Responding is in control. Reacting is not.
Disciplining people: the secret of good discipline is to use
language with no bias. You cannot discipline someone and show anger,
condescension, irritation… the moment that you do, you lose power.
At 1 hr and 11 min.
Ex: when taylor was
seven, he was throwing a football in the living room. Thompson had just brought
back a vase from Beijing and had put it in the living room. Doc Thompson
quickly goes over and says, “no more, no more football in the living room”.
“okay, dad, okay”. Three days later, Doc walks in and hears this loud crash and
knows what it is. He walks in the living room and sees pieces of the vase and
the football. He was homicidal. He quietly and calmly said, “go to your room.
We had contracts. No football in the house. See you tomorrow morning. No dinner
no nothing. 3 o’clock now, see tomorrow morning”. He went to the garage and
hammered his bag until his knuckles bled. Took his anger out on the vase. Went
to work that night and didn’t see him until the next evening. He didn’t mention
the vase. Three days later he comes to Doc crying and apologizing.
Now contrast that to what is more natural and normal. You
come in, there’s taylor, the vase, and the football. What’s the first words out
of your mouth? Deep breath and, “ you SOB, you never listen to me, you never do
what I tell you!”. Three sentences, three lies. So let’s say you now do the
same thing and send him to his room. Having talked that way, do you have a
different boy behind the door? Someone whose going to steep in the tea of
righteous resentment. 16 hours thinking what? “I do to do good things, I do to
listen….” By the time he comes out, he is worse that when you put him in. how
many times can you do that to your kid without turning him into a nasty person?
Who hates all authority because he hates his dad?
The goal of punishment is positive, so the language has to
be positive as well. Now if you are angry with your child and you want to
express anger, do it. Just don’t punish at the same time. Never show anger when
you punish.
The Five Steps:
Step one: Ask.
Step two: Tell them why. Set the professional context. When
you meet resistance, tell them why. 70%
of people will do it if you just tell them why.
Step three: You Create and present options. First you
deflect him with the statement: “Look, I hear that you are angry. I got that.”
Then proceed the, “Let me see if I understand you correctly” statement. Then
finally project empathy with the statement, “You’re feeling irritated because
you feel your stay at the hospital has been unnecessarily slow and you want to
be able to get out of here. Is that true?”
Four secrets to creating and presenting options:
1. Voice has to sound friendly and helpful.
2. When presenting an option, always give the positive
first, then the negative, and remind them of the positive.
3. Be specific. Generalities don’t work. Paint a picture for
them. Ex: Don’t just say “Go home.” Say, “Go home, eat, put your feet up, be
with your family, sleep in your own bed, get up in the morning, be on time and
be on time for work, I want that.” Use different tones of voice to persuade
them.
4. WIIFM principle. What’s in it for me? People are selfish.
Secret of good negotiation is to paint a clear picture in what they want. Think
like the other and you find your way.
5. Confirm. “is there anything I can do to get you to
cooperate and…”
Step four: confirm noncompliance
Step five: act- disengage and/ or escalate
Avoiding Questions
Strategy: Don’t answer the question the way they want you to
answer it. Answer the question you wish they asked you.
The Player Example:
Her: “Are you a player?”
You: “You know, that’s very interesting. Many guys get a bad
reputation for being attractive to women. They have good social skills, good
conversational skills, they get along easily with women, yet immediately it’s
assumed they are some kind of promiscuous, deviant, philanderer. I don’t buy
into that. Do you?”
You see how you didn’t answer her question? You answered the
question you wished she would have asked you. In this case, she is assuming
being a player is a bad thing. So the question you do answer is, “Are players
actually bad people?”
You’ve never had a girlfriend? Example:
Her: “You’ve never had a girlfriend?”
You: “You know, it’s interesting. Many guys get a bad
reputation for being focused and hard working in their studies. Guys who want
to improve themselves, guys who are currently focused on developing their
future financial stability and freedom, yet immediately it’s assumed they are
some kind of loner who hates people, have no social skills, or are losers. I
don’t buy that. Do you?”
You don’t go to parties? Example:
Him: “You don’t go to parties?”
You: “You know, it’s interesting. Some guys get a bad
reputation for not being the life of a party, drinking, doing drugs, or
anything else that most people associate with college life these days. These
guys cherish the friends they have and form very deep and lasting relationships
with them. They have good social skills, and care a lot about their friends,
yet immediately it’s assumed that they are some kind of loner who hates people,
have no social skills, or are losers. I don’t buy that. Do you?”
Resource: Carlos Xuma's Alpha Man Conversation and Persuasion Program
Conversational Aikido
Read this first:
My own practice scenarios when it comes to conversational
aikido:
_______________________________________________________________________
Him: “You’re gay!”
You: “Okay, and you’re an _____” (any of these can work:
iguana, mouse, monkey, rabbit, squirrel, flying spaghetti monster, cucumber,
alien) ß
he jokes with you, you joke back. If he tries to fire back with either option
two or three below, you expose his game.
(Option 1) Him: “Huh?”
(Option 2) Him: "Yeah,
dude, but you're still gay..." (Trying desperately to get a laugh so that
he doesn't feel his value lowered. He looks insecurely at his buddies
one-by-one to see if they are still responding. Pitiful.)
(Option 3) Him: “Yeah? Well you’re a _______. (Any
derogatory name)”
You: “You know what? I see what you are doing here. You are
trying to get a laugh at my expense. You keep doing that. You’ll eventually
find someone who is impressed with your immature comments. You keep doing that.
I’ll be elsewhere. Later, dude.”
_________________________________________________________________________________
Example from:
My Practice Responses:
Him: “You’re doing well little buddy, why don’t you go be a
sport and get me and this lovely girl a drink?”
Strategy: Identify his underlying emotion that motivates him
to try and intercept your date and call him on that. In this case: jealousy
(Option 1) You: “Wow, that’s clever man! You are a clever
guy! Trying to catch me off guard with such an underhanded question! You keep
doing that man, it’ll work…uh…eventually. We’ll be elsewhere now. Bye.”
(Option 2) You: “That’s the best you can do? Look man, I
know you may be a bit jealous of us here but you seem like a decently nice guy!
Aren’t there any other women who may be interested in you?”
(Option 3) You: “Look man, I know you may be a little
jealous about us since we are having a great time here but I’m sure you
wouldn’t appreciate being interrupted during a date either. Give us that common
respect please and carry on with your day.”
(Option 4) You: “You
want to buy both of us a drink? That’s great man! I can’t thank you enough!”
Main strategy: Do not react. Maintain a rational calmness, deflect
and redirect his comment by bantering back if you can (avoid back and forth
banter though as that would get you caught up in the game of being Mr. On the
Spot Witty Guy), and call him out and expose the game he is playing to destroy
his ability to make you look bad.
________________________________________________________________________________
In this next case, this guy is a guy I know and play
football with who every once in a while makes some cocky comments although it
is unjustifiably so. I am after all, a taller, stronger, better conditioned,
and faster athlete with more skills and confidence than him when it comes to
basketball and football.
Him: “Look man, why don’t you guys punt the football? You
guys aren’t going to make it.” (Relatively close to the end zone, on the last
down)
You (Option 1): “Is that your only means to try and stop me
since you know I’m bigger, stronger, faster, and a better conditioned athlete?”
You (Option 2):“Wow, am I really that unstoppable that you
feel the need to make arrogant comments to try to stop me?”
You (Option 3): “Is that comment born out of ignorance,
stupidity, or both?”
Now assuming the individual is similarly matched and makes
that comment:
Strategy: Jokingly give in and blow it to an extreme.
You: “Yeah man, I’ll probably trip and fall and step on your
face while I’m at it dude. So you better watch it.” (Eye roll)
If I wanted to expose his game: ask yourself, what
underlying emotion motivated him to make that comment? In this case, if he is
equally matched, it’s likely he has an ignorant and arrogant attitude towards
others in general.
You: “Look dude, you may be a good player but someone needs
to teach you some humility. You may be able to get away with it with others but
not with me. So save your cocky comments for someone who is impressed with your
pompous and belittling crap because I most certainly, am not.” (Walk away)
Him: “That sounds rehearsed and inauthentic.”
You: “You’re right! But that doesn’t distract me from the
fact that you are a cocky individual and I do not stand for that.”
Him: “I don’t care what you stand for!” (rude and
disrespectful)
You: “I certainly hope you do not believe that. For you
would be an individual lacking in morals.”
________________________________________________________________________________
Situation: A guy I know (who I’m not terribly fond of and
who comes talk to me regularly when I’m in the gym) is sitting with two friends
of mine and a girl at a table in the conversational area studying. I’ve been
talking with my two friends and having a good time. The conversation with my
two friends isn’t over, and he quickly and abruptly looks up from his table and
says:
Him: “Can you go away?”
Strategy: You call him out on his underlying reason and
motivation.
You: “I’ll go away if you really need to study but there’s
no need to be rude about it. Btw, are you saying that more out of motivation to
study? Or to seem more alpha for that girl sitting there?”
Knowing him, his most likely response is to just quickly
say, “No!” But let’s say he doesn’t. How would you handle this scenario?
Him: “WTF, Are you trying to embarrass me?” (Situation
Escalating; Need to Deescalate)
A response like, “Well, tell me, were you rude to me because
you really felt the need to focus?”, will only escalate the situation. This is
a defensive response that the person attacked won’t want to hear. These are the
four steps to deescalate the situation:
1.
Hold your ground and breathe deeply.
2.
Break their pattern if they are screaming and
out of control by repeating their name.
3.
Paraphrase to show empathy as discussed below in
the youtube video of Verbal Judo: Diffusing Conflict with Conversation
4.
Focus on a Solution, close, and maintain peace
Appropriate response to deescalate:
You: “(His Name), look, I hear that you’re angry. I got
that. And let me see if I’ve understood you here. You’re feeling angry because
you feel like I put you down in front of your peers on purpose. Is that true?”
Let him modify the feelings or reasons.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Situation: This was back in senior year of high school where
a junior in my Calculus AB class made a huge scene about me not knowing how to
play Texas Hold’ Em near the end of the year.
Him: “You don’t know how to play Texas Hold’ Em?!” OR “What
have you been living underneath a rock?!”
I didn’t know how to respond. This is how I should have
responded:
(Option 1) You: “Look, this is something that most people
know how to do, while I don’t, so I’m sure you can understand why I don’t
appreciate you making a scene out of it.” (Calmly)
(Option 2) You: “Why do you feel the need to attack me to
make yourself seem better?”
Him: “I’m not attacking you! I’m just shocked that you do
not know how to play?!” Go to the condescending apology game slightly below.
(Continued from Option 1) If he continuous:
Him: “Wow, I just cannot believe it though man!”
This is another game Carlos Xuma talks about in his Power
Social Skills Program. It’s the Condescending Apology Game. They are trying to
defend and justify themselves. They are hoping they are going to slip that dig/
slight insult by. You need to make them clarify their point.
You: “I’m sorry, that doesn’t really sound like an apology.”
OR “I’m sorry, were you apologizing there? You didn’t really say you were sorry
and were implying that it was still somehow my fault? I don’t understand. Is it
my fault? Or what are you trying to say?”
Get them to clarify on what they are saying.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Another Strategy: get them to clarify what they mean.
Ex: I was working out at the NW YMCA when a trainer that
talk to with made a comment that seemed to be an unfriendly attack but at the same time, I did not know what he meant.
He was walking with a friend of his when he walked past me next to the cable
flys machine and said:
Him: “This guy is such a tool”
This is how I responded:
You: “What does that even mean? What does that even mean?” I
proceeded to ask his friend: “What do you think that even means?” His friend
did not want to get involved and smartly said, “I’m staying out of this”, in a
non-hostile tone of voice.
I then proceeded to respond:
You: “Oh well, an effective tool if anything.” (In a
nonchalant manner while turning around and walked away)
I hindsight, I think
I handled the situation decently. He didn’t get away with making that comment
as I confronted him on what he meant and he decided not to clarify what he
meant- hence him backing off.
_________________________________________________________________________________Sticky Notes Accumulation
These are some of the things I think about that I felt were
worthy to jot down, that come to my mind when walking Lucky late at night or in
bed right before I go to sleep.
Entered
as of Tuesday; July 3, 2012:
_____________________________________________________________________________________
1. verbal self-defense
2. wing tsun
3. sound of your voice
4. body building project
5. blogging, reflecting, and understanding
your life
6. DeAnza school stuff
* no TV at all
* no sitting on sofa except for eating
* sleep at
11, wake up at 8: to do work to pursue your goals
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
BODY BUILDING PROJECT
- read zig zag diet page
VOICE DEVELOPMENT PROJECT
- Carol Fleming's sound of your voice
VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE DEVELOPMENT PROJECT
- carlos xuma's verbal self defense
Explore in your
mind!
books to read daily:
BURNING DESIRE DEVELOPMENT PROJECT
- brain kim burning deisre subscription
ANCIENT HISTORY LEARNING PROJECT
- Graham Hancock's FIngerprints of the gods
GUYS OF THIS GENERATION MODULE
- The demise of guys
- Lisa bloom's swagger
- read one national geographic magazine
- reflection time and writing for blog
- RN NCLEX
prep book
list of overall goals and daily to do list
on YOUR BLOG
need a
list to fit all the things you need to do daily to work towards your goals
______________________________________________________________________________________________
some way to video record yourself for
future self to see and look back upon.
get
external hard drive during fourth of july sale at frys
________________________________________________________________________________________________
when most people ask, "how have you
been?", in a way they want to know what has been happening, but the bulk
of it is not just the daily trivial events but how you have been feeling.
"how have you been feeling lately?", is a better question to ask.
"what emotions have you been feeling lately?" is another one. If you
need to, you can jot down your emotions of the day, week as they happen. if
after a seemingly trivial event, you feel sad, write it down. if you feel
happy, write it down to help you remember it and bring it up in conversation
with a friend when they ask you "what's new?", "what's up?", or "how have you
been?".
talk about your goals that you have written
down there on that sticky note.
practice talking and video recording
yourself for analysis regarding your blog posts for a long time and in depth as
practice for talkling like this with tanuj (the type of conversations i want to
be able to have).
discuss
the books that u read. u read books. these things interest you so when someone
asks "what's new?", bring it up and you can go into a whole new
discussion from there.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
record
your conversations with anup and tanuj to analyze the differences.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
need
organized place of my own to keep my books, things, things with sentimental
growing up feeling and value.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
<--
these tips from yourself may seem silly at times. you may think, "oh these
won't really make a difference!", but don't be too quick to discredit
these tips. how much have you really tried to see if these tips actually work
or not?
______________________________________________________________________________________________
sources of distractions:
- uncontrolled television use
- sitting on the sofa
(induces poor posture and laziness)
these
things distract you from living and being present in ur own life. add sticky
notes you have to your daily blog, to do list, and daily reflection. How tv
robs you of your own life. Days of sitting and watching tv and at the end of
the day, not even being able to state to others what i learned from watching tv
science documentaries.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
phonebooth
ex of verbal judo?
for your
blog: note out your to do list. ur notes and ur reflection, thoughts, and
feelings on whatever you encountered in your day.
sf zoo,
young summer days with the late afternoon sunlight coming in, zoboomafoo animal
adventure feeling mixed in as well
____________________________________________________________________________________________
cutting down phase with zig zag diet, voice
development, brian kim's natural burning desire subscriptions, reflection time
and writing for blog, nursing, verbal self-defense, technology of the gods,
knowledge apocalypse, chariots of the gods, ancient aliens books (Graham
Hancock author Underworld: The mysterious origins of covilization), David
Childrish technology of the gods, palm reading, dolores cannon, visit nature
bridges from field trip during elementary school and science camp during 6th
grade middle school, read national geographic magazines, articles on
introversion, read from sciencedaily.com, livescience.com, gods of eden
bramley, philip coppens the ancient alien question
need projected schedule to organize day
smash
mouth all star, soak up the sun, thor earth to asgard, the lion sleeps tonight
song, follow me uncle kracker, the mummy 2 end credits soundtrack
66+
91.8 kg
180.34 cm
1257.9 + 66= 1323.66 +
901.7= 2225.36-
136= 2089.36
New BMR as of Saturday; June 23, 2012:
2089.36
TIMES
1.375 (lightly active) equals
2872.87<-- my caloric maintenance level.
On high
days: 575 calories
On low days: subtract 500 cal. is 2372.9.
Divide by 5 meals to come out as 475 calories per meal.
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