Raise expectations regarding what they can personally do.
Persuassion. Mention the negative, persuasion is done. See and mention the good
and ignore the F.
(at 55 min) 2nd nugget: you want to calm people
down; one conclusion: project empathy. The moment you stop looking like the
other, you lose your power to persuade them. You become irrelevant. Don’t use
the phrase “I understand where you are coming from”. Empathy is something that
is projected. Show them. Ex: you are talking to someone who is yelling at you.
When you paraphrase you wrap what they mean in your words and you give it back
to them. It’s his meaning and your words together. A mix.
You’re talking to someone who is yelling at you. Your job to
paraphrase is to get what they mean. Not what they say. What do they really
mean? And to do that, you wrap it in your words, and you give it back to them
to ensure that you have heard it and understood it correctly. The formula for
paraphrase gives you a third perspective in a two person conflict. It’s not his
words and his meaning. It’s not your words and your meaning. It’s a blend of
his meaning and your words. Here’s the formula:
(at 1 hr 8 sec.)
Your’re (feeling) because of _______? True? ß
you must be disinterested. No bias must be shown. First blank you put a
feeling. The second blank, you put a reason or reasons. “okay, I see you’re
upset, I got that, and you’re upset because you think I purposefully put you
down the other night in front of the class. Is that true?”
Now notice what they can do to respond. They can modify the
feeling section: “No I’m not angry, I’m disappointed”. They can modify the
reasons. Or modify both.
The most powerful word in persuasion when someone is angry
is empathy. The most powerful sentence to get someone angry to listen to you is,
“Let me see if I understood what you just said”, while holding your hand out
like a stop sign. “let me see if I understand you”. Nobody talks when you say
that. It’s the only way to interrupt them and not generate a problem. When they
feel like you don’t understand, they listen hard to prove it. It shuts people
and doesn’t get them angry. It gives you control. You get control by paraphrasing.
When people talk, words fly out, and so do their real underlying feelings.
Ex: I went to a house one night and the guy says, “Where the
hell have you been?....(gibberish)”. Words of rage, anger, frustration.
You’re (feeling) because ________. True?
-
Under the feeling blank: rage, anger,
frustration
-
Under the blank write 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
1.
“help me!” a burglary call.
2.
“what about my stuff?”
3.
Fear
4.
Violated
5.
Time. “where you been? It’s been three hours?”
George Doc Thompson was late three hours while attending to other more
immediate calls.
Never
react to words. You respond. Responding is in control. Reacting is not.
Disciplining people: the secret of good discipline is to use
language with no bias. You cannot discipline someone and show anger,
condescension, irritation… the moment that you do, you lose power.
At 1 hr and 11 min.
Ex: when taylor was
seven, he was throwing a football in the living room. Thompson had just brought
back a vase from Beijing and had put it in the living room. Doc Thompson
quickly goes over and says, “no more, no more football in the living room”.
“okay, dad, okay”. Three days later, Doc walks in and hears this loud crash and
knows what it is. He walks in the living room and sees pieces of the vase and
the football. He was homicidal. He quietly and calmly said, “go to your room.
We had contracts. No football in the house. See you tomorrow morning. No dinner
no nothing. 3 o’clock now, see tomorrow morning”. He went to the garage and
hammered his bag until his knuckles bled. Took his anger out on the vase. Went
to work that night and didn’t see him until the next evening. He didn’t mention
the vase. Three days later he comes to Doc crying and apologizing.
Now contrast that to what is more natural and normal. You
come in, there’s taylor, the vase, and the football. What’s the first words out
of your mouth? Deep breath and, “ you SOB, you never listen to me, you never do
what I tell you!”. Three sentences, three lies. So let’s say you now do the
same thing and send him to his room. Having talked that way, do you have a
different boy behind the door? Someone whose going to steep in the tea of
righteous resentment. 16 hours thinking what? “I do to do good things, I do to
listen….” By the time he comes out, he is worse that when you put him in. how
many times can you do that to your kid without turning him into a nasty person?
Who hates all authority because he hates his dad?
The goal of punishment is positive, so the language has to
be positive as well. Now if you are angry with your child and you want to
express anger, do it. Just don’t punish at the same time. Never show anger when
you punish.
The Five Steps:
Step one: Ask.
Step two: Tell them why. Set the professional context. When
you meet resistance, tell them why. 70%
of people will do it if you just tell them why.
Step three: You Create and present options. First you
deflect him with the statement: “Look, I hear that you are angry. I got that.”
Then proceed the, “Let me see if I understand you correctly” statement. Then
finally project empathy with the statement, “You’re feeling irritated because
you feel your stay at the hospital has been unnecessarily slow and you want to
be able to get out of here. Is that true?”
Four secrets to creating and presenting options:
1. Voice has to sound friendly and helpful.
2. When presenting an option, always give the positive
first, then the negative, and remind them of the positive.
3. Be specific. Generalities don’t work. Paint a picture for
them. Ex: Don’t just say “Go home.” Say, “Go home, eat, put your feet up, be
with your family, sleep in your own bed, get up in the morning, be on time and
be on time for work, I want that.” Use different tones of voice to persuade
them.
4. WIIFM principle. What’s in it for me? People are selfish.
Secret of good negotiation is to paint a clear picture in what they want. Think
like the other and you find your way.
5. Confirm. “is there anything I can do to get you to
cooperate and…”
Step four: confirm noncompliance
Step five: act- disengage and/ or escalate
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