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| https://picasaweb.google.com/110618774993966356213/Tanzania?noredirect=1#5255735876278552786 |
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| https://picasaweb.google.com/110618774993966356213/Tanzania?noredirect=1#5255735952167645490 |
As I look at the photo of a star filled sky in the African Serengeti on Picasa Web Albums, I feel a sense of intrigue, desire, and focus towards this picture. Intrigue because of the beautiful African sky and wild surroundings. Desire because there’s a fire burning inside me to experience moments of splendor with my whole body present, and to be sharing that moment with someone I feel close with. There is something about me that desires to be there in these quiet and serene moments in time, yet in the mist of the beauty, feel incredibly lonely and empty if I did not have anyone to share that moment with. It’s not the same to share that moment through a picture. I would enjoy looking up at the vast sky and my thoughts would run wild thinking, “Wow. It’s these moments that I live for, to be able to experience the absolute majestic wonder and beauty of nature.” I would think to myself, “I can’t believe I’m actually here seeing this.” These would be my superficial thoughts. Deeper down, when I sit there by myself, alone to my thoughts undisturbed, my inner feelings would begin to come to the surface. Looking up at the sky, I would sigh, wishing I had someone I was emotionally close with to experience it with. My body would be flooded with a feeling of almost overwhelming loneliness. Even though I would be camping in the Serengeti, lying down and looking at the stars, I would not be able to enjoy it without having someone close to me to share it with.
Here I am imagining that I am on an adventure with one of National Geographic’s adventure trips. There would be other people present, people I don’t know. If I am there with no one I know, I would still feel lonely deep down. If I don’t have a close friend to go with, will having strangers around help alleviate my loneliness? Inside, I would feel a tad less lonely, but to be honest, it would depend on the type of people who are on the adventure with me. If the other group members are loud, noisy, typical 20 something year olds who you would imagine dominating in a bar, I would feel annoyed and irritated. It’s pretty obvious now, that I do not like very extroverted individuals who drink, are loud, rude, and only care about looking cool. I know as I am expressing this in a very teenage-minded viewpoint, particularly because I am still a teenager, and I feel many people of this generation are mindless, no good, immature individuals. Going on these prepackaged adventure trips, I will not be able to choose the type of people I will be with. I can only hope the people who go on these trips enjoy nature the way I do. I feel that these types of people are less likely to be the typical teenage-minded individuals. I know I tend to get along with introverted individuals better so when the occasion arises where I find myself embarking on these adventure trips with no one I know, perhaps I shall seek out the more introverted individuals for connection and share the moments with. I am thinking about this relatively early in my life. I still have a little more than two years in college before I can even start working and have the money to pay for these trips. Perhaps I am worrying too much and it’s not going to do me any good worrying. At the same time I feel like I need to know what I desire to do and do as much as I can to make it happen. Worrying is not a wasted emotion if we leverage it to help us prepare. It’s when we’ve prepared to the extent we can control, and we still worry to the point where it impacts our daily lives, that worrying becomes a wasted and damaging emotion.
I’ve digressed, but this brings me to another thought and worry I often have. It’s clear that I have a desire for adventure and deep, close relationships. Being a travel nurse will allow me to travel around the United States and possibly abroad, earn decent money, and have the time off between assignments to do whatever I want. However, travel nursing assignments are usually about 13 weeks. This poses the problem of not having much time to spend with those deeper friendships. It’s not that 3 months isn’t enough time to develop deep friendships, but deep friendships last much longer than three months. I imagine it would take a toll on me emotionally if I had to leave to a different place every three months and would have to leave behind the meager deep friendships I can develop in that time. It wouldn’t just take an emotional toll on me, but also for the few true friends I become close with. This is the ultimate quandary for me. If I choose travel nursing, I will be able to make decent money, travel, have time off to travel abroad, and live an adventurous life, but travel nursing might not be very compatible for me since I desire deeper relationships. Adventure is a deep desire of mine that is at the essence of who I am, but so are deep relationships. At times when I think about this, I feel heart-broken that I may have to choose between the two loves in my life. The ultimate win-win situation would be if I could have the deep relationships and adventure in my life.
Is it possible to have close friendships and experience adventure at the same time without having to give up either? It’s definitely possible, but to what extent will I be able to have both? With the potential travel nursing scenario, I would get to know more introverted individuals who also favor small, intimate gatherings as opposed to parties. To be able to meet up with them and get to know them on a deeper level will depend on my social skills and confidence. I know I don’t need many friends in my life. I am perfectly fine with only having one or two really close friends, and a few good acquaintances to talk small talk with here and there. Unfortunately I’m sure there will be challenges along the way to developing friendships, but this is something I will have to manage. I do worry about the prospect of having to leave someone I grow close to, especially if they do not have any other real friends. I believe this is all the more true with the majority of introverted individuals because we want and intensely value the few true friends we have. Whereas with more extroverted individuals, the type and level of friendships they desire can be made by going to a party and talking. For socially skilled and confident extroverts that love parties and loud, crowded places, their friends can become plentiful relatively fast no matter where they go. After thinking about this, I’m just going to have to get better at meeting people and seeking out friendships with more introverted people whom I get along with better. This isn’t to say that I should avoid all extroverts because there are extroverts who are really nice and happy whenever they see you- although that they seem happy around pretty much everybody. These are the extroverts I can tolerate, and like as people. The type of extroverts I want to avoid are those that are loud and use their social aptitude to behave arrogant and condescending towards others. Even if they don’t mean what they say, they still come across as being insulting and superior through their jokes. Unfortunately, these are also the assholes that seem to be naturally adept at attracting women.
In the future I think I need to be careful when it comes to attracting women. I desire attractive women and want to have an emotionally deep connection with them. It’s the attractive women I can develop a deep connection with that I want to have a lasting relationship with. Again, with the adventurous lifestyle I want to live, and being a Tom Leykis advocate in many ways, I can see how there is going to be a problem here. The only way I can imagine a lasting relationship that COULD work is if, she is attractive, we have a deep connection, she is pretty much financially independent, and she does not want kids. This is of course, what I ideally want. Many times people settle for something that they do not completely desire. I know the ideal type of relationship I want with women will be difficult to last. I hope I don’t get to the point where I am blinded by love and out of insecurity, to decide to marry her. I know intellectually that marriage benefits only women, and the relationship and sex are most likely going to go downhill after marriage. I need to keep an objective side in dating to avoid making decisions out of love or lust.
What’s the difference between a deep relationship with a close friend and that with a lover? Well, the only differences are sex and that your friend won’t cost you money. Maybe there will come a time in my life, perhaps older middle age when my libido slows down, that I will find that relationships with women just won’t be necessary. Having true friends gives me a lot of the love that I need. Women will only be needed for sex. I don’t want kids, and to be honest, I believe I would prefer having my own place to live as opposed to having a wife in the house badgering me after work about a list of chores I need to do because she’s too lazy to do them. It’s alright if my apartment is not up to any girl’s liking, as long as I’m fine with it. Again, the only things I want to out of a relationship with women are emotional connection and sex. I don’t know how many women out there would not want marriage after being in a relationship for a long time. That number is out of my control. I just hope my life will be under my control and not influenced by others. I truly desire that my goals of adventure and close relationships will be accomplished. Regret and loneliness are two of the worst feelings we can experience. Times may get tough, but deep down, I know my love for these two things will allow me to persist. I will, and must, find a way.
http://www.nationalgeographicexpeditions.com/
http://www.nationalgeographicexpeditions.com/natgeoadventures
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