I find it interesting to compare the level of depth between my friendships. What makes one friendship so much deeper than another? Why is it that you can talk with one friend for hours on end into the early morning hours with unlimited conversation? Why is it with other friends, we talk for an hour or so before we feel like we are running out of things to say and we feel like we have to fill that silence with meaningless, superficial small talk? I’m not going to lie, these superficial, light small talk I have with some friends bore and frustrate me at times. It has even come to the point where I’ve started to wonder how I define and categorize people in my life as friends. I’ll get to that in a future article. But what is it about superficial, light small talk that frustrates me? Based on my initial observations, these conversation topics tend to be about nonzealous interests such as IM basketball games, NBA games, school work, and school tests and quizzes. I’m sure there are more superficial topics we talk about but these are the ones off the top of my head right now. One thing I just noticed is that if we delve into the more personal thoughts and feelings about these topics, then I do not feel as frustrated and I start to become really invested in the conversation. I don’t mean to say that when I see a friend that I haven’t seen in a while, that I find these lighter topics to be an utter chore. If I haven’t seen a friend for a several weeks, I want to know about how they are doing in their school work, their grades. Of course I want to know these things. However, if that is all we talk about, then that is where my problem with light conversation is. Small talk is necessary to get an idea of how they are doing in their school work and things that they are doing day to day. I don’t mind some small talk at all. It would be awkward if there was absolutely no small talk. If I see my friend, and proceed to immediately ask him a deeper, more personal question that brings his personal and private feelings and thoughts to the conversation, I would certainly get a confused look back. That would be weird, so small talk is necessary.
I have one friend who I see about once every three or four weeks. Every time when we meet up, we shoot some hoops together. We use that time to catch up to see how each of us are doing in our school work, our grades, midterms, exams and quizzes. Any of the academic related topics, we talk about. We talk about some NBA basketball, some IM basketball, maybe some camping and nature related stuff, and perhaps briefly joke about UFO’s and aliens as he is a believer. It’s this routine every time. Have I really taken the responsibility to make our relationship deeper? To be completely honest with myself, no I have not. Then again, he tends to make it difficult unintentionally to bring it to a deeper level. I believe in order to delve deeper into meatier conversation, spending some alone one on one time where there are no distractions but to talk is absolutely necessary. If we are always shooting or dribbling a ball while conversing, we will have something to distract us with. This can allow either of us to steer away from more personal and intimate thoughts and emotion based discussions. One on one and doing nothing but talking is absolute necessity in order to bring the conversation deeper. If I were to rate our level of connection and closeness, it would be about a 7 out of 10. My personal feelings regarding our friendship would be described as a moderate connection level. I don’t know what he thinks and feels on a human level. I only know the outer shell of him. It’s frustrating at times as I ask him to hang out after we shoot around, but the huge majority of the times, he turns down my request. We have similar interests. We both are interested in basketball and nba, although my interest for basketball has gradually dwindled to nil. We both love nature and the outdoors. We both are interested in wildlife and camping. He loves astronomy, the night sky, and the discussion of potential life of ET’s and so do I, although not to the same amount of vigor. How do most people describe someone they are friends with? The common answers are that they get along together, so their personalities are compatible, they have similar interests and hobbies, and that friends tend to be like yourself.
I have another friend who I can talk with for hours on end. Every single time we meet up, we sit and talk for hours after hours. We might catch a movie first, but then we go to his house or park by a park and talk in his car. I absolutely love it. The stillness of the night. The quietness of the night, next to a beautiful park with a large field of grass, trees, and playgrounds. We start out by talking light small talk, but we go deep relatively quick and without having to try hard to go deep. He’s pretty voluntary when it comes to telling you his personal thoughts and feelings about things once you’ve earned his trust. This is something I really admire and respect about him. I need to learn to be more vulnerable when it comes to revealing my own personal thoughts and feelings to others. He’s a great story teller and he’s quiet introspective as he knows and understands himself well. I get the feeling that some people resist going deeper. It can be scary to have someone truly understand who you are on the very inside. People can be afraid of the potential for disapproval and rejection by putting their true thoughts and feelings out there. That’s why it’s critical to be accepting of everyone. Be accepting and nonjudgmental of who they are as a person, no matter what their faults may be and what mistakes or embarrassing things that may have happened in the past. It’s important to be vulnerable yourself and to appropriately disclose who you are to them as well. If there still is resistance from them from trying to go deep, using a cold read can be helpful to get them to start talking about themselves and open up. Again, when they open up, that is the most critical moment for the listener. You must show them through your body language, facial expressions, your voice tone and choice of words that you understand, accept them, and are nonjudgmental. You must show them that you are actively listening to them, be interested- notice how I said be, not seem interested- in what they are saying through soft and appropriate amount of eye contact and open body language, and allow them to express themselves.
I believe this is especially true with introverted people. One thing I’ve learned from analyzing myself who is an introvert, is that introverts need time to feel warmed up and to get them talking. Introverts just like anyone, like to talk, it’s just that introverts like to talk about deeper, more meaningful topics, and that they need someone who will be patient, interested in what they are saying and gradually asking more personal questions out of genuine curiosity to allow them to reach that level where they are fully invested in the conversation about talking and expressing themselves about who they are and their personal thoughts and feelings. This isn’t to say that you, the current listener, won’t be able to express yourself. However I believe this them first approach is necessary to show that person that you are interested in taking this relationship to a deeper level. Do that for them and they will love you for it. I truly believe the majority of the people out there do not have someone who wants to actually know the real them deep down. I feel the majority of people these days, at least those around my current age- 19- are only thinking about drinking, getting high, getting girls, and portraying the cool, popular image. Unfortunately it makes me feel like there are few people out there that would want to have these types of deep relationships. Again, it feels that way from all the media portrayal of partying and hype of getting laid. I believe deep down, the majority of people out there do desire to have someone understand the real them inside. I do find that more introverted individuals tend to have and also enjoy having one on one interactions over a group setting with multiple people. This should be good news. Introverts also tend to prefer depth over variety, whereas extroverts tend to enjoy variety over depth. That means introverts will enjoy deeper, more meaningful conversations over the loud and rowdy social activities, more extroverted individuals prefer.
I’ve digressed onto a tangent, but an important tangent that I want to get out and express. I would rate my level of depth with this friend as about a 9 out of 10. Whenever we get into talking about our more personal thoughts, feelings, beliefs, fears, and life stories, I always feel hit of happiness. This is actually a term used by the author of the book, “The Introvert Advantage”. When the personal thought or feeling is one that expresses vulnerability and pain they’ve experienced in their life, I always feel a strong and deep level of connection with them. I would describe it as a pure, zen moment in time, where your entire world is just you and your friend, and nothing else matters but connecting and empathizing with what they are feeling. This is something that happens and I can only describe it as “a gift from god” and this is what I feel whenever someone expresses some level of pain or vulnerability in their life in a calm manner and tone of voice. When he expresses a painful emotion, you can tell that he is currently reliving that emotion, and you can understand how he felt at the time. The pace of his speech slows down, his voice gets quieter and becomes softer. He tells it in a voice tone that conveys that he wants to tell you something because he trusts and likes you, but he conveys with his voice tone and body language that he is not looking for you to help him solve his problems. He expresses his pain to you without smothering you with needy or insecure behavior.
I’ve learned a lot from him. This is definitely one of the most enriching relationships I have had in my life. I’ve learned that I love close, deep relationships. I feel I’ve gained a lot of one of the deepest, nonsexual affection possible from this friendship, and I never would have thought that this guy would teach me so much about myself and what i want. It’s because of him that I desire to understand myself in the deepest ways possible. It’s because of his admirable level of depth to which he understands himself that I’m writing these articles on my private blog. He will be transferring to UC Davis next semester which only leaves me about six months left with him. I will miss him when he leaves no doubt. I know I can’t tell him to come back to see me every weekend. It would be unfair for me to do so. Six more months…and the clock keeps ticking.
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