Saturday, March 10, 2012

Life Goes On


As I am sitting here by myself in my room, listening to my favorite Tupac song, I am reminded of my junior year of high school, also known to me as the Tupac era. Life Goes On, I used to listen to this song for hours for days at a time as I did my homework. Thinking back now, more than two years has gone by since the end of junior year, and the inevitable question arises, what is it about Life Goes On that resonates with me? I have found that there are few songs out there that I will listen to over and over again. These are songs I’ll listen to for hours at a time. It’s the amazing power, the feeling we get when we listen to a song that we really connect with. Life Goes On is a song that most people can relate to, whether we’ve lost someone important to us in the past and/ or potentially in the future. The lyrics, “Be a lie, if I told you that I never thought of death” speaks to anyone who has or currently is going through some emotionally painful strife. The thought of, “why is my life like this?” “Why does it seem like my life is so hard, while others around me seem so happy?” This couldn’t be more evident for me throughout my career as a student. This is not to say that I have suffered more than other people; I believe everyone goes through times of difficulty throughout life but that some of us have had it tougher than others no doubt.

Junior year, the first thought that comes to me is a third person view of myself walking outside the classroom and slowly ambulating to my next class. My movements were slow and calculated. From how fast and long my strides were, to how fast I would move my head and blink my eyes. Deep down inside of me, I was trying to convey an attitude. On those cold mornings, my head was cloaked in a hoody or beanie to cover my head which was absent of hair as I had buzzed it all off. If you were to look at me from the side, my face would be hidden. Even if you were to see my face by walking in the opposite direction from me, you would see a face cold, devoid of emotion. A passer byer wouldn’t think twice about who I was. Deep down, I felt out of place. Almost like an invisible soul that would go from class to class not to make a sound. Boring, cold, stoic, not to be thought twice of about anything, are words I would describe myself with if I were an observer. Inside my head, thoughts of counting down the classes, wanting school to be over with as quick as possible, and fear of being seen as a loner troubled my mind. Feelings of being an outsider, loneliness, jealousy while not understanding why other people seemed to have people to talk to as they got out of every class, and fatigue from a life that felt as cold as the morning air. Brunch and tutorial were spent shooting hoops and playing basketball with people I only felt comfortable with due to familiarity of repetition. I knew their names, made small talk occasionally, but inside I felt distant from them. But then again, that’s what people call friends right? People they do activities with? At the time, I didn’t have the same depth of insight and understanding I do now of how I categorize people as friends. I didn’t talk to people during class, as I was mentally tired, as other people would be talking to their friends, and the thoughts and feelings racing through my mind didn’t help. I only had one true friend at the time that I would meet up with outside of school. There were people whose personality were compatible, and were good people, yet I didn’t take the initiative to get to know them outside of school. Why? Shyness, lack of social skills and confidence, introverted personality, and insecurity (the thought of “why do you need me to be your friend, don’t you have friends?” scenario played out in my mind). As I write this, I am reminded of a quote from the US special forces that goes, “In war, your mind is your greatest enemy”. In other words, “in times of fear and insecurity, your mind is your greatest enemy”. As much as I know that our brains operate to keep us alive and steer us clear of potential threats, it is beyond frustrating to know that your brain is working against your chances of success by creating irrational fears in your head. Your feelings scream loneliness because you see everyone else laughing and talking and you desire companionship, but your brain works against you. What a predicament shyness can cause.

Throughout junior year, I really began to question the purpose of my life. I wondered why my life felt empty. After 5th period, I was done with classes for the day while most other people had other classes. Not really having a solid group of friends, I didn’t stick around for lunch. I would walk home alone from school through the quiet neighborhood. Rainy days really emphasized how I felt. The clouds would be grey and dark. The clouds would be thick, not allowing any beams of sunlight through. With my hood on and slightly baggy clothes, I would look up at the sky and blow a sigh. I thought to myself many times, during these walks where I would have complete alone time, if this was all there was to life. I walked slowly, not rushing home as I had little to look forward to for rest of my day. I was glad I was out of school, but I didn’t have anything exciting to look forward to. I would be sitting at my desk for the majority of the rest of the day. I attempted to study and do homework, but my effort wasn’t there many times. My mind would be lost feeling a lack in life. This can’t be all there is to life, I thought to myself. Where did all the passion and excitement for life go? Doing a job I hated, was and still is one of my worst fears. Doing a job that won’t allow me to have the time to travel, go on adventures, and pursue the hobbies that excite me, only to take up all my time and freedom just isn’t what I want. People may say, that’s what life is. I can’t believe that. I can’t give in to believe that. I will not sentence myself to a life of working a job only to buy things I don’t need and to impress people that I don’t care about.

A minimalist’s life is what I need to live. Minimize my expenses. Spend only where necessary, save the rest for travel experiences, adventure traveling, and hobbies. Fuck new clothes, fuck expensive and cool-looking cars, fuck expensive tv’s and cable. I have wasted so much of my life studying and doing things that I do not enjoy. That part of me was nearly dead. That part of me to live a more exciting and adventurous life exploring the world and feeling that excitement and zest for life was on its last breaths. It was crying out to me every time I walked home alone by myself and alone to my thoughts and feelings. I will not live my life working and consuming unnecessary items. Save that money. Live on the bare minimum. Someday I’ll be able to do something that’s always intrigued me since I was a kid watching those nature shows. The beauty of nature, the whole wonder and mysterious draw of wanting to stand on top of a mountain. If I save, someday I’ll be able to do something so important that will make me scream out in joy, amazed at what my life has become. All this time growing up, society has told us that we want the American dream. Buy a big house, have your own car, two kids, and a full time job. Pardon my language, but fuck the American dream. That isn’t what my dream is. To anybody that desires the American dream, go for it. We’ve been conditioned our whole lives into thinking that dreams are a big house and a happy family. Dreams are not made of bigger houses, having a wife, and children. Houses are houses. If someone brags to me about how beautiful and large their house is, how great their marriage is, and how well their kids are doing, I find myself saying in my mind, “great, if that’s what you really want”. I find renovating houses to be a huge waste of money. It looks better, but are you really doing it for yourself? Or are you trying to brag about it to your so called friends? A house is still a house no matter how fancy it is. Novelty fades. That brand new car there, it looks good now, but give it several months. There’ll be a newer car. More beautiful and shiny, with better features. There is a saying by minimalists that whenever you buy something, be ready to live with the life of that object. When we buy something, we have to take it into our home, it becomes a part of our lives. We are taking on the life of another object into our world. Objects take up space in our homes. Electronics require power. Items need to be maintained. These all require more money. Not to mention that having more stuff causes distractions and stress. We have to constantly move things to get other stuff into the house. If we move, we have to take it with us. Over time, things may become of emotional value to us. Are you then just going to get rid of it? Or pay for a new place to keep that stuff? I could go on and on but the point is that nothing is free, even if it doesn’t cost anything. Whatever you bring into your home, be ready to deal with the life of that object, and the life you’re going to have to give up to own it.

I am not going to let a consumerist-based society stop me from my dreams of adventure and excitement. A dream is just a dream unless you do something about it. If we all stop spending our hard earned money on a perpetuating cycle of consumption, we will one day have enough money to do what’s important to us. Living that type of life where you are excited about your life is what I want. I’m not saying I want my life to be perfect, because it won’t ever be. Happiness is a temporary feeling and it can never last forever. Anyone whose goal is to live life happy without any periods of sadness or gloom is purely deluding themselves.

Make every cent you spend count for absolute necessities. Move to a smaller house or rent one that costs less. If you can, get rid of your car, and take public transportation. Save the rest for your dreams. You’ll have way more money saved up faster than you ever imagined.

This was my young life crisis. All these things I realized came over a couple years and I can only really say I’ve figured out what I want in my life since a few months ago. I’m at that age where people may say, you’re too young to know what you want in life. Things will change. Your thoughts and desires will change. Deep down, I know there’s a possibility for that. Maybe in the future I’ll be recanting all these statements I’ve made here. I just hope that whatever road my life leads down, at the end of the day, I can say I’ve really done all I can to live my dreams. Life after all is exactly how Helen Keller stated it, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” Which one will you choose?

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