As I listen to Josh Groban's "Remember Me" featuring the movie Troy, there has been an interesting thought, a paradox, that has been swirling in my mind here and there for a couple weeks now. It’s the paradox of experiencing emotional pain in our lives and its relationship with happiness. I think for many people, happiness can be found through a few different ways. Happiness can be felt through feeling the love of another person when we connect with them. My friend made a good point that happiness is completely momentary and happiness is experienced when we are completely in the moment experiencing something pleasurable. It can also be felt in anticipation to something with a pleasurable reward. To put it simply, any pleasurable feeling can be equated to happiness. Pleasurable feelings are temporary so happiness is also transient. What I want to delve into specifically is the relationship of pain in our lives to that of the feeling of connection with another person, which then equates to love, and then happiness.
It’s no doubt that we all have pain in our lives. Whether we tell people or not is another thing. Everyone, although to different degrees, experiences feelings of hurt, loneliness, feeling left out, lost in the world, lost in life, worry, fear of our lives going downhill, regret, envy, and to put it simply, emotional pain. These things in our lives, they cause us pain and stress, and when we are in the midst of our own world, and feeling the pain in its varieties and degrees, we feel like our lives are worse than everyone else’s. We know intellectually that some people have got it worse than us. We know there are people starving everyday in third world countries, children too poor to see a doctor and as a result suffer through the chronic pain of diseases and illnesses. We know that in the back of our minds, but in these moments of despair, we feel our lives are at such a down point that our judgment and view of life heads for the worst. Many times I keep these feelings to myself. I have never fully expressed to people face to face the things that bother me deep down. There are many reasons for that, as I wrote about in my last article. For the majority of my 19 year life so far, I have never considered telling other people when I’ve felt down, hurt, or when things were going bad and still did not tell anyone. By looking at it from the perspective of having a chance of people laughing, rejecting you, humiliating you, teasing you for things that bother you, it may very well seem reasonable to keep our painful emotions and past to ourselves.
It wasn’t until over the past year that I gradually came to realize that showing vulnerability and expressing the things that bother us can actually do great benefit for us. It very first started over a year ago, as I am writing this. I don’t know the exact date, but it was the beginning of a new era where I would gradually learn and understand the power of vulnerability.
Small update here (put in as of 1:07 AM of Sunday; May 13, 2012; officially five days left before my last two finals on Thursday and the start of summer after sophomore year of college): I was sifting through my old emails when i found the date of this night. We were planning to surprise my friend on Sunday afternoon with a cake. It was Saturday night (March 19, 2011) into early Sunday morning (March 20, 2011).
My brother, my friend, and I were at a friend’s house. I believe we had just watched a movie and we were talking in the car as we drove back to our friend’s house. When we arrived outside his spacious two story house, we parked on the curb and we talked inside the car. About 10 to 15 minutes into talking, our friend’s mom opened the door and waived, signaling us to come in. It was late at night, and we did not want to talk inside their house because my friend’s brother was asleep. Not wanting to seem rude, and feeling like our friend’s mom was worried we were up to something in the car late at night (maybe she thought we were doing drugs?), we went in and talked quietly in the living room. We were discussing our plan to surprise another friend of ours the next day as he was turning 19. We were going to show up at his house, get him to answer the door, shoot him with Nerf guns, and give him a cake that we would buy. It was past 12:30 AM by this time, and we felt our friend’s mom was becoming a little irritated with us making noise late at night. We had finished our plan for our friend’s birthday surprise and feeling it was time to leave, my brother, my friend who drove the car, and I attempted to convince our friend to come back to the car with us. After several minutes of attempting to persuade him, he decided he would go to sleep. In hindsight, I’m glad he chose to head to sleep, because if it was the four of us in the car, our conversation might have strayed down a different topic. The three of us went back into the car to talk as it was drizzling outside. At the time, the friend I was with was taking the first step to take the relationship deeper, but I didn’t realize it at the time. We met each other senior year and we were only friendly acquaintances than good friends at the beginning of that night. This was after senior year had ended, and it might have been during the summer or a break during freshman year of college. I can’t remember exactly. There were few street lights, so the suburban street was dark, but we could still see. The rain drizzled lightly and the quiet neighborhood made it a perfect spot to develop what was about to happen over the next hour and a half.
Small update here (put in as of 1:07 AM of Sunday; May 13, 2012; officially five days left before my last two finals on Thursday and the start of summer after sophomore year of college): I was sifting through my old emails when i found the date of this night. We were planning to surprise my friend on Sunday afternoon with a cake. It was Saturday night (March 19, 2011) into early Sunday morning (March 20, 2011).
My brother, my friend, and I were at a friend’s house. I believe we had just watched a movie and we were talking in the car as we drove back to our friend’s house. When we arrived outside his spacious two story house, we parked on the curb and we talked inside the car. About 10 to 15 minutes into talking, our friend’s mom opened the door and waived, signaling us to come in. It was late at night, and we did not want to talk inside their house because my friend’s brother was asleep. Not wanting to seem rude, and feeling like our friend’s mom was worried we were up to something in the car late at night (maybe she thought we were doing drugs?), we went in and talked quietly in the living room. We were discussing our plan to surprise another friend of ours the next day as he was turning 19. We were going to show up at his house, get him to answer the door, shoot him with Nerf guns, and give him a cake that we would buy. It was past 12:30 AM by this time, and we felt our friend’s mom was becoming a little irritated with us making noise late at night. We had finished our plan for our friend’s birthday surprise and feeling it was time to leave, my brother, my friend who drove the car, and I attempted to convince our friend to come back to the car with us. After several minutes of attempting to persuade him, he decided he would go to sleep. In hindsight, I’m glad he chose to head to sleep, because if it was the four of us in the car, our conversation might have strayed down a different topic. The three of us went back into the car to talk as it was drizzling outside. At the time, the friend I was with was taking the first step to take the relationship deeper, but I didn’t realize it at the time. We met each other senior year and we were only friendly acquaintances than good friends at the beginning of that night. This was after senior year had ended, and it might have been during the summer or a break during freshman year of college. I can’t remember exactly. There were few street lights, so the suburban street was dark, but we could still see. The rain drizzled lightly and the quiet neighborhood made it a perfect spot to develop what was about to happen over the next hour and a half.
He proceeded to tell us the story of him and his ex-girlfriend, what had happened, how he felt about the whole situation, and how his diagnosis of epilepsy affected him, his life, and his relationship at the time. Needless to say, he told us his story of pain, frustration, loss, and feeling a sense of nothing going right at the time. I was captivated by his story, and could feel the emotions he was experiencing as he told his story. We weren’t done talking about the topic. I could tell that we could have talked for hours more about it, but when I finally looked up at my phone to see the time, it was close to three in the morning. Initially when he asked if he had told my brother and I about the story of him and his ex-girlfriend before, I thought to myself and I was genuinely curious. I didn’t know he was going to be expressing the deeper more vulnerable side of him, but no one had ever told me about a story of their own relationship- perhaps it was because talking about girls just made me feel my own inadequacy of not meeting up to society’s image of teenage life and girls. Deep down, I wasn’t too comfortable talking about myself and girls, however that’s not to say that I didn’t want to talk about it though. I know that sounds a little contradictory. I was afraid of having other people find out I had never had a relationship with a girl and that was inadequate in something important for people that age. I was curious at times, which girls my friends liked, but the topic was never brought up, and I didn’t want to take the initiative. So when this friendly acquaintance, who I was decently comfortable with at the time, asked if he had told us his story about his relationship, I was open to it. About half way through his story where he began to tell us about the pains he felt about himself, his life, and the relationship, I gradually began to feel connected with him. It wasn’t a superficial connection based on having similar interests, hobbies, and classes. It was an emotional connection based on feeling like life wasn’t going right, and that life was full of pain and despair. It was an emotion I could really connect with subconsciously and in my own life. Even if I tried to not feel connected and empathize with how he felt, I don’t think it would have been possible. I truly don’t believe the English language could do enough justice to the depth of connection I felt towards the feelings he was expressing.
To think about it, it’s amazing how fast I connected with him. Over a span of an hour and thirty minutes of conversation, I knew this friendship was one of a kind. It was going to be different than most of the superficial friendships I had had before. In a way, I have felt a deep connection and intimacy with my friend over the year after that night. We constantly discuss about our more inner thoughts and feelings. I’ve learned about the power of connection through vulnerability. It’s absolutely ironic that it’s the things in life that have caused us pain, that have bothered us, and made us flawed and not perfect humans, that are the things that will connect us with another human being on such an emotionally deep level. Of course this has to do with the person listening to the story as well. There are a few people out there who lack empathy. Scientists have linked the ability to feel empathy, remorse, and regret to a certain gene that some people lack.
It was through expressing his vulnerability, and a painful time in his life that I’ve felt such a deep connection with another human being. It comes to the point where it’s scary to think how much love and affection I’ve gotten from this friendship. I want to keep it very clear to the few people that may be reading this. I do not have any sexual feelings towards my friends. I am not at all sexually turned on by males. Developing an authentic feeling of caring about someone else’s well-being, understanding, and empathizing with where they are coming from in life is what I mean by love. It was through a genuine, human, emotional connection that I felt love.
This has gotten me to realize that, it’s through experiencing times of trials and tribulations and feeling emotional pain in areas of our lives that can lead to deep connection with another human being. This then begs the question, what happens if our lives are absolutely perfect? I am not going to discuss whether our lives will ever be perfect because I don’t think our lives will ever be perfect. It’s in our nature to adapt, and even the most pleasurable feeling wanes and loses its potency. Therefore it makes this question a little pointless in discussing, but let’s see where it leads. If our lives are perfect, and we feel no pain and negative emotions in our lives, can we still feel that deep level of connection with another human being? If the needs in our lives are all taken care of automatically, can we still feel love and that deeper level connection? I would argue no. Even if someday in the future, if we can feel no negative emotions, we may be able to feel euphoria forever. If euphoria is permanent, we won’t feel love. Euphoria is that feeling of “nothing in my life bothers me, I truly feel not bothered by anything”. Perhaps in the future we will feel ecstasy permanently instead of euphoria. What will we have become? People who won’t care about anything, because everything already feels awesome. Drug tolerance will build, but even if scientists are able to find a way to shortcut that, our society and lives will change drastically. Pain in our lives is not only what makes us human and not robots, but it allows us to feel that deep connection and love for someone when expressed properly. Therefore I think the pain in our lives allows us to feel love, and hence happiness. Perhaps we should truly be grateful for our problems. In a way, it’s a cruel irony. We must feel pain and suffer to feel love. Perhaps that also makes sense why the most touching and emotional songs people love to listen to also have an element of sadness or pain to them. Songs about ecstasy or euphoria are rarely listened to. If we talk with someone who is very successful in his career, and if we are successful as well, we can connect on that. But how deep is that connection? Compare that connection to one felt when you really understand and feel for your friend when he is telling you how he feels despair and anguish about something. The depth of connection to a story about pain is levels deeper than that of a story about success.
I now intellectually view people who act successful and always happy as a mere cover up for their more vulnerable and sensitive side. The way I see it, even the most successful person will experience areas of pain in their life. Being at the very top of what you do can be stressful. They will be constantly worried to stay on top. They know other people secretly envy them and hold remorse against them for their success, and successful people may feel lonely at the top as few people can understand what it’s like to be incredibly successful, and thus leading to loneliness. This is not to say that this is true for all successful people, but this is only to present a new side to those who believe success leads to true happiness. Happiness can only be found through love for another human being. Again, the love I talk about is not relevant to the love of finding your partner in life. Anticipation and excitement can temporarily make us feel happiness, but only deep connection with another human being, the love we get from them, and the memories we have with them, can last a lifetime.
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