The Way I Am: The Power of Little Touches

When I arrived at Saint Francis memorial hospital for my 8 hour clinical shift this past Wednesday (Leap Day February 29, 2012), the sun had just risen and I wondered how fast the day would go by. I was still in a semi-asleep mode as I was staring blankly at my surroundings. I proceeded to find the nurse that would be taking care of my patient so I asked around for my nurse, whose name is Miranda. I looked around the hospital floor for several minutes as I could not find her. Feeling a little frustrated, I asked another nurse if she had seen her. She pointed down the hall as my nurse just came out of a patient’s room. As I walked over to her, I smiled and told her that she was difficult to find. From these initial seconds, I could tell from her smile that she was going to be delightful. I introduced myself as the student nurse for one of her patients. She informed me that my patient was going to be discharged around noon so I could shadow and tag along with her as she operated throughout her shift. She was a cute blond, about 5 feet 6 inches and in relatively good shape from what I could observe with her dressed in light blue scrubs. She is about five or six years older than me but I couldn’t help but feel a little attracted to her.

As I talked with her, she smiled occasionally when appropriate and held eye contact as I felt a bit hypnotized while looking at her blue eyes. She projected a sense of warmth and caring attitude through her voice tone and by occasionally touching her patients to reassure them. She had a slightly peppy and animated personality although it was early morning and I presume she must have felt tired inside. All these things made me feel even more attracted to her. However, it was her gestures of touch that made me feel such a flood of warmth towards her. She would occasionally place her hand on my back or arm as she would be explaining something to me. This slight gesture made my tense muscles and body loosen up instantly. My muscles and tissues literally softened up inside, and I experienced a warm and caring feeling flooding my body that emanated from where she touched me. I could feel the rush of oxytocin as I felt safe to lower my shields and feel instantly more opened up emotionally. I felt warm, taken care of, loved, and accepted all in one touch.

I’ll admit that I am still thinking about the touching experience more than two days after clinical. I don’t know if I will see her again. Nurses rotate three day shifts every week. I know it's likely that I may never see her again, and at the same time, I know that even if I do see her and get to work with her again, the relationship we did have won’t go further to match how I felt about her. Just several days ago on Sunday night and early Monday morning (AM), I was discussing with my friend about love and I laughed while saying, “how is it possible to love someone when you don’t even know anything about that person?” I believed that if we liked somebody, it would purely be a physical attraction for that person. It’s not possible to love someone you’ve just met. After hanging out with Miranda for half a day of clinical, I feel it is possible to love someone you’ve just met. Love is several levels deeper than liking someone. Perhaps I didn’t feel love. Perhaps I just really liked her a lot to the point that I am still thinking about her more than a day later. Is that level of obsession strong enough to be considered love? I guess the answer to that is subjective. Then again, the love I felt resulted from how she made me feel. Yes I thought she was cute, but it was the fact that she made me feel cared about and loved through the power of touch, that I feel like I can say I really liked her. As much as I would enjoy the idea that she likes me back at that same level, I don’t feel that is so. Deep down I know her caring and empathic personality is her nature. Deep down, I want to take something away from this experience to enrich my own relationships. I don’t want this feeling of affection to merely be a wasted passing by feel-good emotion. After watching the lion king, I know deeper, closer relationships is what I desire at the essence of my soul and is something that has been missing throughout most of my life. I absolutely love that feeling of being emotionally open and close to someone and having as much appropriate nonsexual affection as possible for the few friends I’ve felt really close with.

This explains why the majority of my favorite youtube videos are songs that would be considered touchy-feely or I believe listened to mostly by girls. Unfortunately I do feel hesitant and insecure to reveal my love for certain soft, emotional songs. In fact, as I am writing this, I am listening to Truly Madly Deeply by Cascada. I suppose I feel scared to show people the love I have for soft, emotional songs due to potential risk for being humiliated and teased. The media’s general portrayal of men to be tough and deny feeling any vulnerable emotions certainly doesn't help either. While listening to the lyrics of Truly Madly Deeply, I can imagine and feel myself standing on a mountain peak with a friend I feel truly connected with. I can imagine ourselves on that mountain peak looking out over a breathtaking scene and enjoying the beauty of nature undisturbed by other people or the sound of cars and civilization. There are other times when I feel lonely where I would imagine how good I would feel if I were lying on a patch of green grass with a close friend under a clear sky looking at the stars on a cool night discussing our most intimate thoughts and feelings. I guess I really desire moments of deep connection with another.

Throughout middle school and high school, there were a few times where I remember shedding tears and sniffling by myself over seemingly insignificant reasons. One time, I was playing basketball at my elementary school’s courts with my brother and a friend and I lost an emotional one on one game with my brother that we had really gotten into. We were bumping each other around and playing physically. When I lost and my friend entered the court to play my brother one on one, I remember walking away towards the playground and grassy field and feeling myself about to cry. I remember thinking to myself that I was so soft and emotional. Looking back at that incidence now, I feel glad I am capable of feeling so much. I am glad I can really feel and empathize with the hardships of other people as long as they are communicating their emotions through stories and a calm tone of voice and not purely ranting to blow off steam.

It truly is amazing the power a touch has. It is said that a touch is ten times more powerful at communicating compassion and empathy than that of facial expressions and voice tones. I have never considered the use of touch to deepen my relationships before although now I feel like I have unlocked an important tool to deepen my relationships. Reading an online article called, “Hands On Research: The Science of Touch” by Dacher Keltner, I am convinced we should all show our compassion and love for those special people in our lives through the power of touch. It is proven that the majority of Americans are touch deprived as evidenced by a study that was done by psychologist Sidney Jourard. It is scientifically proven that we are all wired to connect with other people on a basic physical level as well as emotional, and to deprive ourselves of this is to deny ourselves one of the deepest and most comforting feelings of affection we can show towards those we care about deep down.